Conflict is bad. This is often the logic for avoiding conflict. We feel uncomfortable when it arises between two or more people.

In an earlier article I discussed the advantages of conflict. In this article I hope flip to the other side to address the disadvantages of avoiding conflict.

DOING NOTHING CAN MAKE SENSE

To a conflict avoider the fear is that things may escalate out of control. Raised voices, pointing fingers, threatening and intimidating body posture, and ultimatums lead many to withdraw or shut-down. Rather than risk making things worse, their hope is that doing nothing will be best until the storm has passed.

There is a logic behind that reaction that makes sense. When escalated enough, people say things that they would never say in calmer moments. Certainly, if conflict always ended up this way no one would want to engage in it. Not only do these actions squash dialogue but they wreck any attempt at problem-solving. Avoiding conflict makes great sense when contrasted with disagreements that are consistently dangerously destructive.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS (ACOA)

As a common example, conflict avoidance is a trait of many alcoholic families where disagreements can be disproportional to the issue at hand, unpredictable and illogical. Arguments just break out spontaneously, seemingly without cause or justification. These kinds of intimidating and demeaning random meltdowns are always destructive emotionally and often worse. The only upside is usually with the one who blows up because everyone else runs away or shuts down.

Children who grow up in these environments are often expert at avoiding conflict. It becomes a natural defense that makes a great deal of sense…in those environments. There are times when the only logical response is to get away or hide until it’s over.

Dr. Janet Woititz, author of the classic book Adult Children of Alcoholics (1983) lists thirteen characteristics of children of alcoholic families. Click HERE to see the list that includes several conflict-avoiding techniques such as lying when it would be just as easy to be truthful, seeking approval and affirmation from others and guessing at what normal behavior looks like.

AVOIDING CONFLICT LIFESTYLE

The problems begin to emerge later in life when workable conflict resolution skills are required for their own family’s life, their work environments and social interactions. Inevitable differences of opinion or perspectives become threatening instead of enlightening. Agreeing with whatever is said is so much easier than expressing a differing point of view. Give in. Go with the flow. Don’t make waves.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT COMMUNICATE

When conflict arises we all have at least three options for addressing it. Engage, do nothing and disengage.

ENGAGE

Talk about the conflict. Bring it up. Learn to explore someone else’s perspective and gain from their experience. Start a quest to discover what the other person thinks and why they think the way they do. Engaging is a way of honoring the other person; respecting their opinion; communicating that you are invested in them. The key is to avoid trying to fix the problem; rather, consider making understanding a priority, first.

DISENGAGE

There are times when we need to walk away; but, not with the idea of refusing to come back to the topic. A frequently used “STOP technique” is to call a ‘time-out’ and schedule a better time and place to thoughtfully engage with careful attention to each other. Many times, working to understand one another is more important than being understood by the other. When both people are engaged in making the other understand, no one is listening.

DO NOTHING

This approach to conflict continues the dysfunction of the alcoholic-like home because it leaves everyone guessing. The illusion is that doing nothing is best because communicating nothing or a neutral message is not provoking. The reality is that doing nothing communicates a message that, in many circumstances, is anything but neutral and unprovoking.

How that unspoken message is interpreted by the other person is dependent upon the status of the relationship. With healthy couples the other partner is more likely to believe the best and give the benefit of the doubt to the silent partner. For example, they may conclude that the silent partner simply forgot, didn’t hear the question or misunderstood.

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN

Conversely, when communications are already strained, silence can be understood in a negative way. This is when relationships can become more stressed because the interpretation is “You don’t care,” or “You are trying to punish me.” Once these negative perceptions become part of the resolving of conflict, they become the primary issue to be addressed. Often, the original grievance fades into the background as couples work to get past the perceptions that may or may not be true depending upon how they are interpreting the other’s silence.

The challenge of any interpersonal relationship is to communicate what we wish to say clearly and consistently. This can be very difficult to do. Which is probably why we do not do it as often as we should: it’s a lot of work!

So, we engage in conversation where one is speaking while the other actively listens and reflects upon what is being said. The energy it takes to truly listen is often worth the time and effort. Managing the complexity of accurate dialogue between two people is a powerful tool for understanding and, ultimately, resolving conflict.

Conversely, addressing conflict with the silent treatment often makes relationships harder than is necessary. This is because there is so much room for mis-interpreting what is not being said.

CONCLUSION

Conflict avoiders may favor the do nothing approach because they are not having to deal with the uncomfortable nature of disagreement. They just ignore it and move on, tamping down their feelings for the sake of keeping the peace.

Nonetheless, the silence can be deafening as people draw their own conclusions such as “he doesn’t really care” or “she’s mad at me.” In this case, silence is not golden. Silence can be more deadly than the conflict itself.

A great place to start learning the necessary skills for better communication is ePREP training coupled with a licensed marriage and family therapist who is specially trained in interpersonal communication practices.

Traumatic experiences can come in many forms in the life of a child. There are incidences that just happen such as accidents, natural disasters and sudden illnesses. For these we are all vulnerable and at risk of encountering. Through no fault of anyone in particular, traumatic things just happen to people. It is one of the hazards of life.

Then there are traumatic experiences that happen to children that are due directly to the irresponsible, neglectful or evil actions of adults. It is not necessary to detail all of the terrible things adults do to–or in the presence of–kids. We’ve all seen the news stories, read the papers and we all know of people who have gone through difficulties in their upbringing.

COMMON THREAD

As therapists, when we address traumatic experiences of children at the hand of adults, often we first inquire about adult drug or alcohol abuse. When defenses are down due to intoxication people often do things they would never consider doing when sober. Taboos disappear, common sense evaporates and a license to act irresponsibly is assumed.

A great deal of wealth and energy has been spent to help people manage and overcome their addictions or to eliminate the perceived causes. From rehabilitation to prohibition, laws have been written and enforced in hopes of curtailing the curses and consequences of chemical addiction.

FAMILY THERAPY

Marriage and family therapists are concerned about the same issues. A unique quality of MFT’s is their attention to the dynamics of the family system. Some of the questions a therapist might ask include:

1. What family dynamics may contribute to the addict’s belief that chemical abuse make sense as a coping tool?
2. What family factors may contribute to the perpetuation of the dependency?
3. What affects have been wrought upon the family due to the actions, words and behaviors of the person controlled by their addiction?
4. How can the addict’s family emerge from dysfunctional patterns of behavior to more mutually nurturing and supportive actions?

ALANON and other AA-type organizations are excellent resources for dysfunctional tendencies that families employ to give others the appearance of normal. Each family member devises their own ways of coping to both survive and to protect the family’s public image. The realities in the home become ‘the big secret’ that no one talks about.

ACOA

So many people have successfully kept the family secrets–and the trauma associated with them–beyond their childhoods. Many manage to get through the earliest stages of the family life cycle without obvious impairment. At some point along the way, however, the defensive coping skills learned early begin to break down. As their own children enter adolescence, for example, more sophisticated coping skills are needed.

As childhood defenses begin to fail under pressure, relationships come under stress without obvious explanation. Sometimes, surprisingly, in periods of peace and tranquility, painful emotions begin to surface. They seem ‘out of the blue’, without warning or explanation.

Dr. Janet Woititz, author of the classic book Adult Children of Alcoholics (1983) lists thirteen characteristics of children of alcoholic families. They are:

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

http://www.drjan.com/13-characteristics-children-growing-up-in-broken-homes.php

CONCLUSION

This list of 13 characteristics is not intended to itemize every common characteristic. It simply points to many common traits that both point to their origins in the family and to explanations for the current challenges adult children of alcoholics face. As each is identified and verified a skilled therapist can assist people as they assess their coping skills and begin to develop new ones.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLEX

How we interact with those we love is based upon a lifetime of experiences and understandings. Painful experiences have taught us what not to do or say.  Pleasant and rewarding interactions have led us to establish ways to communicate our affections to and for others.

Family relationships are the crucible in which both painful and positive experiences mix together to make us who we are.  They influence how we act and react to others.  They inform us about the type of people we enjoy being around as well as those we stay away from.   How our parents and siblings treat each other affects how we fit into each other’s worlds.  They also impact the relationships we seek out and those we avoid.

Family relationships can be complex, multi-dimensional and personally challenging. The influence of our peers, our friends at school, work and church just adds to the list of experiences that make us who we are. Each person is intensely unique.  Though we may find similarities and commonalities with others there are inevitable differences and contrasts that will exist.

When we consider the complex nature of relating to one another it is no small wonder that we are able to form enduring marriages, long-term work agreements or sustainable friendships.  Just the ups and downs of living with all of its opportunities and challenges and the many rewarding and painful experiences contribute to the complexity that make up each and every individual person.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD WORK

Long-lasting, sustainable relationships in the midst of these uniquely individual and diverse complexities is hard work.   Sometimes we are attracted to our opposites because of the way the other person completes us.  At other times we are drawn together because we share similar endeavors or values within which we find a commonality.

Whatever the attraction, in time we will move into areas that require a set of specific skills to help our relationships endure. Conflict and disagreements are inevitable.  The skills we use at those times draw upon our uniqueness as we place each ‘tool’ in our relational tool bag.

Carrying the metaphor a little further, every tradesman has his unique tool bag for his or her specialty.  The plumber has his tools handy for plumbing tasks, the carpenter has a tool bag with both similar and different tools for his trade.  Ask the plumber to use the tools in his bag, for example, to do the work of an electrical engineer and there are going to be problems.

WHAT KIND OF TOOLS ARE IN YOUR BAG?

In relationships we all carry our own unique tools in our relational tool bag.  Some of our bags are swelling with more tools than will ever be necessary.  Others of us have just enough to get the job done.  Some of our bags only have one or two tools that we use for everything.

Having the right tools in our bags is very important.  For example,  a hammer is not a very efficient tool for changing a spark plug.  Nor were a set of pliers designed to change a car tire.

Similarly, when we are in relationships our communication tools are adequate most of the time.  Then there are the times when they are not adequate.

The complexity that we bring must match the complexity of the other person if we are going to be effective.  Problems arise when we are pushed to extremes through tragedy, bad choices and other traumatic events in life.  To push through those times is often hard work that require a set of skills that we have not sensed the need to acquire before.

NEW TOOLS

Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistOne of the advantages of Marriage and Family Therapists is that we are familiar with the needed tools of relationships and we are constantly in the process of picking up new tools along the way.  The complexity of people we encounter requires a constant retooling and re-thinking how old tools can be used in new ways.

Most families get along most of the time.  Then again, every once in a while, something comes up that just changes everything.  The old tools suddenly start failing us and we get stuck because we don’t know what else to do.

Sometimes it is helpful to talk with someone who helps people explore new options and possibilities.  Many times we know the answers to our problems; we just lack the motivation to do what needs to be done.  It is only with creative tenacity and sometimes someone else’s insight or observations that can push through to the other side.