The beginning point of addressing our denial is to realize that my belief that I have power or the ability to control anything in this life is an illusion.  I cannot control the weather, natural disasters, human error, evil, other people, and an infinite number of other random events or coincidences.  What I do have control over is found in the gift of free will.  I have the ability to choose how I live, how I think and how I act.

A common theme for present troubles is often anchored in our feelings towards a specific person or group of people.  Among the most common feelings is anger that springs from a belief that life has been unfair and unjust because of the actions of one or more people who mistreated us.

Throughout life we learn ways to express those intense feelings in other, more socially appropriate, ways.  For example, when hurt deeply as a child I may learn to withdraw and become sullen and quiet while enduring an injustice for which I have not yet been equipped to cope with, emotionally.  Later in life it would be easy to see how this emotion could manifest itself as depression and anxiety.

Especially when families keep “secrets” such as a child with a parent who struggles with an alcohol or drug dependency or physical, sexual and emotional abuse, each member of that family develops coping skills that revolve around the problem behaviors, rather than unfolding naturally.

How we handle our pain and disappointment is so unique to each of us that it becomes predictable only in the larger picture.  Old memories lead to post traumatic reactions to current occasions that happen mysteriously because we have not understood the origin of our reactions.

Learning to address our intense emotions in healthy ways is dependent upon first, realizing that we have a problem.  Many times these problems do not become evident until they become either irrational reactions to simple events or overreactions to the normal stresses of life.  When they start impacting our day-to-day functioning then we start wondering what is wrong with us.  When we are in denial, we are often stuck with wondering what is wrong with everyone around us.

Breaking out of denial can be a gradual awakening or it can come on suddenly without warning.  One of the real points of transition comes when we start analyzing some of our coping skills that we developed in childhood and start looking for new, adulthood coping tools to put into our tool bag.  Maturity is probably best understood as the recognition that the biggest room in our home is the room for improvement coupled with a critical weighing of our motives and actions.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt; it is a state of being that is useful as a temporary coping mechanism but troublesome when stubbornly held on to for reasons that keep us from facing our struggles head-on.  Sometimes the most helpful thing a Marriage and Family Therapist can do is help families deal with the problems that they would prefer to ignore because of the fear of what may happen when the truth is revealed. Even the revelation of painful truths can require less energy than keeping issues in the dark and avoiding reality.

Dishonor and Disrespect

In his book,  Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy, Gary Smalley lists a collection of  ways to show dishonor and disrespect to our spouses and families (Smalley, pp. 155-156).

1. Ignoring or degrading another’s opinions, advice or beliefs.

2. Becoming immersed in TV, texting or emails when another person is trying to communicate.

3. Joking about someone else’s weak areas or shortcomings.

4. Verbally attacking another person through harsh criticism or judging their opinions.

5. Treating in-laws or other relatives with disrespect or acting as though they are not important.

6. Ignoring kind deeds done or not expressing appreciation for favors or special consideration.

7. Practicing distasteful habits in front of people who have expressed their dislike for the practice.

8. Engaging in extra-familial activities that seem to be of greater importance than home involvement.

9. Overpowering influence that treats others like children or objects of domination.

10. Unwillingness to accept responsibility for mistakes or to admit to fault when wrong.

Most of us do one or more of these behaviors irregularly to the annoyance of others, often drawing a reprimand or a glance of astonishment.  However, a regular, persistent practice of any one of these points of distinction can be troublesome.

These characteristics can be so destructive to mutually satisfying, respectful and lasting relationships, crushing the spirit of the person caught in the vortex of persistent disregard and devaluation.  When one partner practices these negative behaviors with regularity they run the risk of breaking the will of those dependent upon them for their self-esteem or, conversely, creating a  spirit of reaction or even rebellion.

Honor and Respect

It would be a worthwhile endeavor to arrest these behaviors and begin practicing their opposite.  Smalley correctly observes that, in fact, the key to transforming these ten characteristics is elegant in its simplicity  The transformation begins by simply showing honor and respect to another person.  It is the linch-pin of turning the ship around and heading the relationship in a healthy, positive direction that is mutually satisfying.

Once implemented, the above characteristics begin to take on a new dimension:

1. We listen to, ask questions about and honor other people’s opinions and perceptions.

2. We turn off the TV, the phone or walk away from the computer when someone else is talking to us.

3. We look for the positive characteristics and behaviors in others and mention them.

4. We hold the criticism and learn how to filter our words so that another’s opinions are included in the conversation.

5. We go out of our way to serve our in-laws and other relatives–clarifying boundaries, when needed–to let them know that they are loved and appreciated.

6. We note kind deeds done for us, express appreciation and gratitude for their thoughtfulness and return the favor in thoughtful ways.

7. We respect other people’s reasonable requests to alter our behavior and refrain from offending them.

8. We look for time to spend with each other and include each other in our activities.  We create opportunities to do things together.

9. We treat each other as peers, looking for ways to encourage and commend.

10. We look at ourselves before blaming others, accepting responsibility for our mistakes.

The idea of honoring others is a basic truth in Scripture, embodied in  the Golden Rule as Jesus quoted Moses when He said “love your neighbor as yourself” (cf., Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 22:39); and the apostle Paul encouraged the Philippians to “in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Paul states in Romans 12:9-18,

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

 What a great ethic by which to live!  I wonder how much better our world would be if these principles were more a part of the fabric of our relationships.

 

*Smalley, Gary. Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy (2000).

For further reading, consider the following:

Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs (2004).

We have an ice dam that forms every winter on the north side of our house that gets very little direct sunlight.  So, every winter, I dutifully venture forth armed with my broom and extension handle to scrape as much snow off of the roof as I can and knock off the huge icicles.  In fact, at a recent estate sale we purchased a roof rake for dirt cheap, no doubt used by someone who had lived a long life and used it once or twice each year.

Every year I am reminded of the Peanuts cartoon by Charles Shults about the efforts of Charlie Brown’s gang to save Snoopy from inevitable doom because of the giant icicle hanging perilously over the roof of his doghouse.   In the end he is saved just in the nick of time by Villella’s Take-Out Pizza guy.  The irony is unmistakeable.  

After just five minutes watching the news I am reminded of how a normal, beautifully average day can suddenly change the course of a life, a family, a community.  At times for the better.  At other times…well, we’ve all watched enough news to know how a 30 second earthquake can wipe out more than a quarter of a million people.  Just like that.

In Luke 13:1-5 Jesus taps into two current human interest stories at the time to make a point: it is not up to us to decide where God’s hand may or may not be moving in human events.  What is important is to always be prepared for whatever may come, knowing that life is always paired with paradox.  Impressed by instances of tenacity, strength and courage we are, at other times, reminded how fragile, transient and maleable a life can be due to life-altering circumstances and events.  In an age of incredible speeds and the reality of sudden traumatic injury and death, the wisdom of being prepared makes even more sense than ever before.

Which brings me back to the Peanuts’ cartoon.  It begins with Snoopy looking around to see the beauty that surrounds him, thinking all is well…until he looks up….. Had the icicle snapped and fallen on top of Snoopy’s doghouse I suppose that this would have marked the end of Snoopy as a character in the Peanuts series.  Instead, what we have is Snoopy locked up in agonizing, existentialistic despair that keeps him from acting to solve his problem…that is, until Charlie Brown shows up with his favorite food: Pizza.  Snoopy momentarily forgets his predicament, rushing out of the doghouse to devour his favorite food just in time to watch his abode shattered into splinters by the icicle.

This simple story has such great metaphorical avenues that can be taken to illustrate some of life’s lessons.  Today, however, after spending time contemplating the sudden passing of friends seemingly removed from this life too early and at random, I am reminded of a principle once again.

When the opportunity comes to act upon life’s alternatives, go for the pizza!

Some family problems emerge suddenly, unexpectedly and unpredictably.  At other times problems can evolve into a chain of symptoms that are forged over time.  When change comes unexpectedly, people usually adapt quickly.  When change occurs gradually over time so, also, the solutions can transform over time, morphing into rigid patterns of behavior.  Trying to cope and adapt can lead to terrible simplifications.

An illustration of the former change is when a tree falls and crushes the front of a family’s house, ripping off the roof and breaking down the wall.  When things like this happen, the reaction is generally swift, efficient and strategic to get the job done and make the home livable.  This is dramatic but the solution is predictable.

For problems that are forged over time the scenario is easily illustrated by the elephant in the living room.  At first it is small, able to move easily in and out of the house through any of the doors.  But, the growth of the elephant over time begins altering behaviors based upon one simple change: the elephant can no longer move in and out of the house; it is too big.

The nature of the changes required now, themselves,  begin to evolve as the elephant grows.  It must now be fed in the house, its waste products need to be removed from the house and it needs its exercise.  As a result, normal routines begin to change from the routes people take throughout the house, how they choose to move in and out of the house, and whether or not they spend time in the house.  The situation becomes unbearable.

The solution to the problem is very similar to the former; the house will have to be dismantled to make room to let the elephant out then reconstructed.  But the behaviors that have adapted to the situation over time are now part of the daily routine.  One family member still crawls out of the window instead of  using the door.  Another has not been out of the basement since the oversized guest arrived.  Most everyone just pretends it isn’t there.out and through the house to adjusting to the smells, behaviors and sounds of a grown elephant in the house.

One way of mishandling a problem is to behave as if it did not exist. For this form of denial, we have borrowed the term terrible simplification.  Two consequences follow from it: a) acknowledgment, let alone any attempted solution, of the problem is seen as a manifestation of madness or badness; and b) the problem requiring change becomes greatly compounded by the “problems” created through its mishandling.*

If this analysis sounds unbelievable just turn on the news and be amazed at the political discourse in Washington.  But, more to the point, the reason we deal with these challenges in families is because it is part of our human nature as people.

Sometimes the best way to define the problem in a family is to observe the nature of the symptoms that individuals develop around the problem to adapt and cope.  When a condition or event requires adaptation and change the healthy adaptations go largely unnoticed.  It is the dysfunctional adaptations that often receive the most attention.  Often it is the symptoms themselves that best help us clarify the problem and the steps necessary to help the family get back on track.

 

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* Watzlawick, Paul, Weakland, John and Fisch, Richard. Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution.  W. W. Norton & Company, New York, NY, 1974.

Give the gift that will last a lifetime.  Premarital counseling has several advantages to a couple as they prepare for the big wedding day and the life they will spend together.

First, the interview process and personality tests followed up by analysis and processing with a therapist can be helpful for establishing basic ingredients for a successful marriage: reasonable expectations, clear communication, conflict resolution, collaboration and cooperation for taking advantage of each other’s strengths while compensating for each other’s blind sides.

Second, when trouble is detected further therapy can help work through the challenges before the couple is caught unprepared for the inevitable.  This can be true when one or both partners have been married before and it is particularly critical when children are involved and the participation of the ex- spouses is needed.  Often times, ghosts from marriages past can haunt fledgling relationships before they have a chance to deal with the pressures and challenges of the present.

Third, premarital counseling can reinforce principles and values that the couple brings to their relationship to assure that choices they make and the ways they relate to each other reflect their personal belief systems.  This component can be particularly critical in the areas of religious faith.  Knowing one’s religious principles for successful marriages and living by them can go a long way towards enhancing compatibility and influence in their daily lives.  When both people are aware of each other’s deeply held values and they respect them they can take potential sources of conflict and transform them into their strongest assets.

The key to premarital counseling is the pre- part.  Once the ceremony is over, the thank you notes are mailed and the honeymoon pictures are posted, it is too late to turn back without significant damage and emotional pain.  The value of preparing for the days ahead and the challenges that will inevitably occur can not be overestimated.  To help a couple along the way, we offer gift certificates for the number of sessions you wish to give (the first session is always free).  For example, five premarital sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist, would cost $340 with the potential payback of a lifetime.  What a great engagement or wedding shower gift!  For more information, call (734) 676-3775.

Love is one of those words that we overuse.  I love hamburgers, sunsets, movies, music…if I like it a lot I’ve probably said that I love whatever it is at the time that I’m enjoying it.  How does that compare to love between married couples,   within a family or among friends?  When we have to discipline a child how can we call that a love that is tough?

Love is a complex, multi-faceted emotion.  It is also a decision when we love unconditionally…especially when we do not particularly like the person or their behaviors.  In John 15:13 Jesus tells us that no one loves more than the one who chooses to lay down his or her life for friends.  In verse 14 He declares that those who follow His teachings are His friends.

One of the real challenges of parenting is learning how to distinguish between a love that is accepting and forgiving in contrast to a love that is tough and that resists enabling bad behaviors.  The expression ‘tough love‘ is another term that is thrown around quite a bit that, on its face, seems to be a contradiction in terms.  Yet, while we have a general idea of what is being stated there is a dimension that tempers our implementation of the term with our children.

For example, for the child addicted to drugs a parent who exercises tough love must consider the possible consequence.  Interventions designed to help the child discontinue the self-destructive behavior may not bring about the desired changes.  Indeed, the child may choose to ignore or react to the intervention and make even worse choices that lead to other problems that could be life-threatening.

In Marriage and Family Therapy we understand that the challenge of designing interventions to bring about positive changes in a family member may also be taking on great risks.  The goal, of course, it to attempt to bias the intervention for the best possible reaction but, also, at the same time, to weigh the potential consequences should the intervention have the opposite effect.  When a family member is already on a self-destructive course and the ultimate negative consequence is obvious the risk of an intervention becomes less of a deterrent.  The desire to save someone makes the risks worth attempting.

Implementing tough love comes naturally for some.  For others of us it is particularly difficult because of the difficulty of making the distinction between unconditional love and a love the confronts and disciplines for a greater good.  Recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery can be helpful.