Premarital Counseling Gift Certificates

silhouettes at sunsetGive the gift that will last a lifetime.  Premarital counseling has several advantages to a couple as they prepare for the big wedding day and the life they will spend together.

First, the interview process and personality tests followed up by analysis and processing with a therapist can be helpful for establishing basic ingredients for a successful marriage: reasonable expectations, clear communication, conflict resolution, collaboration and cooperation for taking advantage of each other’s strengths while compensating for each other’s blind sides.

Second, when trouble is detected further therapy can help work through the challenges before the couple is caught unprepared for the inevitable.  This can be true when one or both partners have been married before and it is particularly critical when children are involved and the participation of the ex- spouses is needed.  Often times, ghosts from marriages past can haunt fledgling relationships before they have a chance to deal with the pressures and challenges of the present.

Third, premarital counseling can reinforce principles and values that the couple brings to their relationship to assure that choices they make and the ways they relate to each other reflect their personal belief systems.  This component can be particularly critical in the areas of religious faith.  Knowing one’s religious principles for successful marriages and living by them can go a long way towards enhancing compatibility and influence in their daily lives.  When both people are aware of each other’s deeply held values and they respect them they can take potential sources of conflict and transform them into their strongest assets.

The key to premarital counseling is the pre- part.  Once the ceremony is over, the thank you notes are mailed and the honeymoon pictures are posted, it is too late to turn back without significant damage and emotional pain.  The value of preparing for the days ahead and the challenges that will inevitably occur can not be overestimated.  To help a couple along the way, we offer gift certificates for the number of sessions you wish to give (the first session is always free).  For example, five premarital sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist, would cost $340 with the potential payback of a lifetime.  What a great engagement or wedding shower gift!  For more information, call (734) 676-3775.

Peace In The Storms of Life

Jesus Calms the Storm

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”  (Mark 4:35-41, NIV)

I have always loved the way the writers of the New Testament juxtaposed the humanity of Christ with His Sovereign nature.   Exhausted from a day of teaching, healing, traveling sandy shores and rocky pathways when He gets to the end of the day Jesus collapses on the cushion on the boat and falls fast asleep.  So deep is His sleep in the gently rocking boat with the oars’ rhythmic motion through the water that He simply does not notice when the boat begins to rock and roll.

Suddenly the storm clouds come up and funnel down directly onto the little boat that carries Jesus and His disciples to the other side.  Waves break over the sides and water begins to fill the boat.

And Jesus sleeps.

We know that Peter, Andrew, James and John were seasoned fishermen who had seen this before but what about the rest of the disciples?  I wonder if Matthew the tax collector had ever been in a boat in a storm?  What about Thaddeus, or Nathaniel, James or Judas?

As the boat fills with water you can hear the fishermen asking, “How many buckets on the boat for bailing water?  None? Well, use your hands cupped together and bail as fast as you can! The water is supposed to be outside of the boat.  Once it gets inside it is all over.  We need all hands bailing water out of the boat.

And Jesus sleeps.

Hey!  Where is Jesus!? He’s asleep at the stern of the boat!   In this storm?!  Wake Him up, now!

The storm was bad enough that all of them had fallen into terrified, abject fear: “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” was the cry of desperation.   To this point the story is about men in a boat caught in a storm desperate to survive.  Forget about getting to the other side.  This is a battle for living to see another day.

And then they wake Jesus…and everything changes.

We move from a simple story of survival to an event of overwhelming, commanding power when Jesus speaks: “Quiet.  Be still.” and the rain stops, the clouds break apart, the wind dies, the waves collapse and the sun breaks through and, Mark tells us, it became completely calm.

Imagine the twelve disciples standing in the boat, water up to their knees, the sides just above the water’s surface, drenched with robes dripping, hair strung over their eyes, panting, hands at their sides…mouths wide open…speechless.

This story confronts us with the question of belief in the way that Mark seamlessly reports on both the humanity and the divinity of Christ. Exhausted, Jesus collapses in His humanity to sleep…just like we do when we are tired to the bone…and, when He rises, He calmly issues a few brief commands and the storm evaporates and disappears.  No one does that except God Himself.  No other explanation needed.  No expansion of the story required.  Just the facts.  Jesus speaks and all nature obeys.

“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” Jesus asks.

stormcloudsAgain, no other explanation needed.  Just the facts.  Jesus knew He was here to accomplish God’s purpose which was not to drown in a storm in the middle of a lake.  When you know that there is a greater purpose that drives you forward you don’t sweat the small stuff.   Mark tells us that when they realized who Jesus was, they were terrified.

Peter says it well in 2 Peter 1:14-18 – “For we did not follow cleverly devised stories when we told you about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in power, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty.”

The Storms of Life

I believe there is a reason why this one story fills early Christian art and symbolism.  There is something about being in a boat in a storm that resonates within our humanity.  And there is something about the words of Jesus that takes our storms and brings us peace.

In fact, one unnoticed detail in Mark’s account is the other boats that were with Him.  Why include that simple detail?   There were others…

…were they in the storm too? Or were they watching the drama unfold from a distance.

…what was their reaction when they saw the impact of Jesus’ words as the storm stopped and it became completely calm.

…who were they? How many boats were there?  Did they make it to the other side, too?

Nothing.

Mark just mentions that there were other boats traveling with them.

These are the details that betray an eyewitness account; but, they also open the door to powerful metaphors for talking about matters of faith when times are tough.  Some interesting questions emerge that would be interesting to ponder….

Which ones come to your mind?

 

 

Theophilos: Lover of God

bibleA new tier has been added to my menus at the top of the screen to help me organize the blogs I’ve written over the last year.  Most of it si pretty self-explanatory except for one of the titles: theophilos.  The word is actually Greek in origin and, as far as I know, it appears twice in the Bible in two books authored by the same author, Luke the physician (Luke 1;3; Acts 1:1).

In Greek it is actually two words put together.  The first is Theos which means “God’ and the second is Philos which means, ‘love.’  Put together the word is ‘lover of God’ much like Philadelphia means lover of men, philosophy means lover of wisdom, and theology means the study of God.

Anyway, that title, Theophilos, is meant to indicate that the topic under that heading are mostly focused upon God, the Bible, and things oriented towards faith.  Religious faith plays such a major role in the choices we make and the paths we follow, the values that guide us and the principles that set our moral compass.  Having served in churches for 30 years, I plan to place many of my studies in that section for those who may find them of interest.

The key is that my adventure into building up my WordPress website has taken an interesting turn lately and it is challenging me to expand my knowledge base in computers, web hosting, and more.  It is a good discipline that I am enjoying learning, filled with frustrations, roadblocks and hurdles that give great satisfaction when conquered or which have adapted to my way of thinking that they should be done.

Which got me to thinking…theologically, of course…that designing a website and maintaining it is kind-of like life….  Maybe I’ll save that for another time.  I guess I just felt like the name or word Theophilos was worth defining and there you have it.

It Was A Merry Christmas!

Christmas Morning 2012
Christmas Morning 2012

Christmas morning, as Pamela and I waited for the girls to come down the stairs for breakfast, we realized that this was our 33rd Merry Christmas spent together.  I guess that would make sense since we have been married 33 years!  Some personal reflections….

This is a time of rich traditions that Pamela brings from her family and I, also, from mine combined with those we have initiated ourselves over the years.  For example, the CD in the stereo this morning has been played every year since our first trip to Europe as newly-weds.  We loved the German Christmas Markets beginning with Nurenberg and listening to this CD reminds us of a time shared…just the two of us.

Now that our girls are both in college we are beginning to contemplate returning to those early days as the nest begins to empty…another normal stage in the Family Life Cycle.  After more than 30 years in ministry I have returned to my first-love as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice and I have continued to travel to Tampere, Finland several times each year since mom and dad’s last trip in 2008.

I suppose one of the greatest things we have learned over these years has been to entrust our lives to our God.  From the beginning, I have proactively moved my family from one job in ministry to the next, looking for that perfect time and place to participate in a church that finally fit my template for how things are supposed to be.  In 2009 a cataclysm of events finally persuaded me that I needed to give it up, realign my focus and learn to rest in God’s leading.

So, we enjoyed our 33rd Christmas with each other waiting for our girls to come down the stairs Christmas morning, appreciating the simple things, grateful for our blessings and resting in the Lord’s leading, knowing that He is faithful.

Merry Christmas to all and God’s blessings to you!

<>< steve

New Year’s Resolutions and Marriage and Family Therapy

January1I don’t make new year’s resolutions.

I’m doing pretty good to make–and follow through with–one-day resolutions.

“One day at a time” is a great phrase for a recovery program, a project with a hard deadline, a new year’s resolution and, according to Jesus, a life.  For example, in Matthew 6:34 He encourages His listeners not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough trouble of its own.

“You know how to eat an elephant?” the man asked.  The answer: “One bite at a time!”

In my own life I have found that a year is too long precisely because it is too long.  Nonetheless, after building up 365 one-day-at-a-time events a year does not seem so long and is more easily achieved.

Sometimes people want to schedule appointments for counseling in rapid-fire succession.  They want this because of the urgency with which they desire change to be implemented.  The problem is that solutions to problems may take more than a few days or weeks to achieve.  Sometimes it is important to encourage people to take their time to implement change so that it is both achievable and lasting.  So it is not uncommon to schedule appointments two to three weeks apart.

Coming off the holidays, paying the credit cards off after all of those Christmas presents and getting back to work usually kicks off the new year.  We managed to hold it all together to encourage quality family time over the holidays but then, at the beginning of the year…. Bam!  Everything is back up in the air and the elephant walks back into the living room to have a seat on the floor.

So it is with Marriage and Family Therapy…one day at a time to get you where you need to go.

Family Love Can Be Tough

Love is one of those words that we overuse.  I love hamburgers, sunsets, movies, music…if I like it a lot I’ve probably said that I love whatever it is at the time that I’m enjoying it.  How does that compare to love between married couples,   within a family or among friends?  When we have to discipline a child how can we call that a love that is tough?

I Love Ice Cream!
I Love Ice Cream!

Love is a complex, multi-faceted emotion.  It is also a decision when we love unconditionally…especially when we do not particularly like the person or their behaviors.  In John 15:13 Jesus tells us that no one loves more than the one who chooses to lay down his or her life for friends.  In verse 14 He declares that those who follow His teachings are His friends.

One of the real challenges of parenting is learning how to distinguish between a love that is accepting and forgiving in contrast to a love that is tough and that resists enabling bad behaviors.  The expression ‘tough love‘ is another term that is thrown around quite a bit that, on its face, seems to be a contradiction in terms.  Yet, while we have a general idea of what is being stated there is a dimension that tempers our implementation of the term with our children.

Circle Intervention

For example, for the child addicted to drugs a parent who exercises tough love must consider the possible consequence.  Interventions designed to help the child discontinue the self-destructive behavior may not bring about the desired changes.  Indeed, the child may choose to ignore or react to the intervention and make even worse choices that lead to other problems that could be life-threatening.

In Marriage and Family Therapy we understand that the challenge of designing interventions to bring about positive changes in a family member may also be taking on great risks.  The goal, of course, it to attempt to bias the intervention for the best possible reaction but, also, at the same time, to weigh the potential consequences should the intervention have the opposite effect.  When a family member is already on a self-destructive course and the ultimate negative consequence is obvious the risk of an intervention becomes less of a deterrent.  The desire to save someone makes the risks worth attempting.

Implementing tough love comes naturally for some.  For others of us it is particularly difficult because of the difficulty of making the distinction between unconditional love and a love the confronts and disciplines for a greater good.  Recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery can be helpful.