Counseling

Solution-Focused, Brief Marriage and Family Therapy

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What is Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)?

As the name suggests, it is about being brief and focusing on solutions, rather than on problems. We learned a long time ago that when there is a problem, many professionals spend a great deal of time thinking, talking, and analyzing the problems, while the suffering goes on. It occurred to a team of mental health professionals at the Brief Family Therapy Center that so much time and energy, as well as many resources, are spent on talking about problems, rather than thinking about what might help us to get to solutions that would bring on realistic, reasonable relief as quickly as possible.

We discovered that problems do not happen all the time. Even the most chronic problems have periods or times when the difficulties do not occur or are less intense. By studying these times when problems are less severe or even absent, we discovered that people do many positive things that they are not fully aware of. By bringing these small successes into their awareness and repeating the successful things they do when the problem is less severe, people improve their lives and become more confident about themselves.

And, of course, there is nothing like experiencing small successes to help a person become more hopeful about themselves and their life. When they are more hopeful, they become more interested in creating a better life for themselves and their families. They become more hopeful about their future and want to achieve more.

Because these solutions appear occasionally and are already within the person, repeating these successful behaviors is easier than learning a whole new set of solutions that may have worked for someone else. Thus, the brief part was born. Since it takes less effort, people can readily become more eager to repeat the successful behaviors and make further changes.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy has taken almost 30 years to develop into what it is today. It is simple to learn, but difficult to practice because our old learning gets in the way. The model continues to evolve and change. It is increasingly taken out of the therapy or counseling room and applied in a wide variety of settings where people want to get along or work together.

About Solution-Focused Brief Therapy

by Insoo Kim Berg

Counseling

Shoreline Counselor, LLC: Mission Statement

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The Marriage and Family Therapy mission of Shoreline Counselor, LLC is to actively promote  and encourage healthy marriages and families in western Michigan and beyond by helping them overcome obstacles, manage transitions, and reach their potential.

The goal of Shoreline Counselor, LLC is to lead the way in quality, professional Marriage and Family Therapy services. The philosophy of business of Shoreline Counselor, LLC is to positively impact the lives of people by promoting activities and practices that will encourage healthy marriage and family relationships by repairing the damage, restoring relationships and helping them thrive.

Marriage and Family Therapy is a core mental health discipline that is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form of treatment.  It is based upon the research and theory that problems are best diagnosed and treated in the context of marriages and families.  While therapy is conducted predominantly with individuals, special training in family systems and psychotherapy views a client’s symptoms and interaction patterns within their existing environment.

Shoreline Counselor, LLC uniquely provides licensed, professional Marriage and Family Therapy that is owned and operated by a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.  As the owner and therapist, Stephen Pylkas specializes in helping people when they are struggling with decisions about, for example, whether or not to divorce, changing careers, caring for aging parents, and agreeing about parenting strategies.  Helping families address problems with children and adolescents, in-laws, finances and communication skills are the most common challenges.

People

Texting Vs. Face-To-Face

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There are many advantages to texting: simple communications, tracking exchanges of information, privacy in public places and more.  Texting is pretty cool for many things.  So, I have grudgingly learned to text.  But it still is not face-to-face!

At the same time, texting can be a negative thing.  Among the things of which texting has limited or no value is conflict resolution.  Sure, it is possible to text about differences of opinion when discussing where to eat or what shirt to wear.

Then there are those times when texting is the preferred way of delivering bad news without having to see the disappointment on someone else’s face or to hear it in their voice.  Even worse is when hard words are said without the careful filtering that usually takes place when we are looking into each other’s eyes.

Like so many things, texting can be very helpful and it can be very hurtful and even destructive.  If you see a series of texts heating up with intense emotion it may be worthwhile to call a time out and recommend a meeting to talk about the issue the old fashioned way:  face-to-face.

Parenting

Marriage & Family Therapy With Children

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As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I am often asked if I see children and teens in my practice.  The answer is yes; but, not in the traditional sense.

In Family Therapy, the first few sessions of psychotherapy with a child or adolescent will also involve meeting with either or both parents and their siblings.  The therapist’s task is to consult with the family to assess their unique interactional patterns, to define the problem and to specify the goals and objectives of therapy.

During the assessment phase someone in the family describes the problem.  The Family Therapist may bring the whole family together for a session.  He or she may also meet individually with other family members based upon the belief that  a child’s problem or adolescent’s behavior is best viewed in the context of the interaction patterns between family members.

During the process of goal formation these communication patterns are important.  First, they contribute to the psychological health of the family and, second, they clarify the dynamics of the problem as defined by the family.

Finally, drawing upon the strengths and wisdom of the family the therapist works within the interactional patterns to help bring about a solution to the problem.  Therapy is concluded when the goal that the family identified is achieved.

This emphasis upon the family system as opposed to focusing exclusively on the individual sets family therapy apart from more traditional approaches.  In the end, this approach makes sense as key members of the family are engaged with and invested in change for the better that will last beyond the therapy sessions into everyday life.

People

Trust: Regular, Predictable Behaviors Over A Long Period of Time

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My mornings are pretty predictable.  I’ll spare you the details but it involves going to the gym at 4:30 a.m. and coming home to have morning coffee with Pamela before launching each day.  I’ve always prided myself as a person who thinks outside of the box, and eschews mindless, repetitive activity.  But then I evaluated my morning routines…

… and I find that every single morning I follow the same behaviors from the moment I arise until I engage in my workout (I try to keep the variety going here) and return home.  I even put the stool that I sit on to put on my shoes in exactly the same place!  I often think about changing up my routines but then slip right into the predictable behaviors.

Predictable behaviors in the daily routines of life help me avoid some things.

For one, I don’t forget stuff.  There are reasons I so things in a certain way because they help me build in behaviors that assure me that I have not forgotten something.  Now I can mindlessly go through my morning routines without having to double-check myself.  Change the routine and I’m likely to start forgetting stuff like, for example, my towel.

Another thing I avoid is wasting time.  By not allowing myself to get side-tracked on tangential activities that distract me from my main objective I stay on-task and get the job done.  When I get side-tracked I have to double-check myself because one change in routine may mean I forget to execute another important routine.

On the other hand, predictable behaviors in my daily routines help me make sure some things get done.

Many of those behaviors are the culmination of looking for the most efficient way to do these repetitive behaviors because I want to move through them quickly without having to think about them.  I chose those ways of doing things in order to be efficient in the use of my time.  If I change the routine it is because I have found a more efficient way to do the same task with less time or effort.

Another benefit is for those around me.  When I am predictable in my routines, others with whom I interact in the day can plan their time accordingly.  If Pam wakes up at 5:30 a.m. she doesn’t have to wonder where I might be found if she needs me for an emergency.  When she puts on the coffee at 6:30 in the morning she knows that I will be pulling up within 5 to 10 minutes to unload my bag, pour a cup of coffee and sit with her on the couch to plan out our day.

Predictable routines make us predictable.  Being predictable makes us dependable.  Being dependable breeds trust.  Trust is a good thing.

Conversely, unpredictable routines make us unpredictable.  Being unpredictable makes undependable.  Being undependable breeds distrust.  Distrust is a bad thing.

There are times when we need to build trust for the first time.  The way we do that is by behaving in predictable, dependable, trustworthy ways.  These qualities have serendipitous spin-offs that go right to the core values of who we are.  They are among the building blocks for things like integrity, honesty and personal responsibility.

There are times when trust is destroyed and has to be rebuilt.  This is true when a marriage has been threatened by an extra-marital affair, a hidden vice or secret past.  When these are exposed the building blocks for trust are blown apart and require reconstruction.  Many elements may go into the rebuilding of trust; but, among them will be regular, predictable behaviors practiced over a long period of time.

One of the most challenging environments in which children are often raised is the unpredictable environments where parents are unreliable, random and illogical.  Trust never has an object or person by which to stabilize and take root.  Daily life is in constant flux with fluid rules, permeable boundaries, and irregular behavior and schedules.

Regular, predictable routines in a home, on the other hand, breed stability, confidence and a sense of assurance and safety in children.  When life throws its challenges in the child’s pathway they know that there is one place where they will find rules, boundaries and regular, predictable behaviors that contribute to a sense of acceptance, love and appreciation.

The fruit often found in such stable families is helpful for inculcating a sense of adventure, openness to new ideas and a willingness to be challenged.  Arising from the security of knowing that you can always go home children learn that failure does not have to be fatal and that, no matter what, love and acceptance will rule the day.

Unfortunately, these values do not cure everything.  In the last month I have lost two very nice pairs of gloves because I have yet to establish a routine for keeping them on my person when I don’t need them.  I’m experimenting with several alternatives like tucking them inside of my coat instead of in my pockets.  I’ve also researched these little clips like I used to have as a kid that you attached to the sleeves of your coat…Naw, not really.  I’ll figure it out eventually and then establish a routine so that I don’t have to think about losing them any more.  The reason will be that I will have established a regular, predictable behavior that I can mindlessly execute so that I don’t have to retrace my steps looking for the gloves that I set down…somewhere…like I have been doing for the last few weeks.

 

Theophilos

New Beginnings: Be Strong and Courageous

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New Beginnings

You’ve probably felt the way I’m feeling right now: stomach in knots, scatterbrained, pressured, etc.  For me it comes with launching into something new that requires faith because, right now, the numbers don’t add up.  You are on that fulcrum between, on the one hand,  measured, reasonable action based upon careful planning.  On the other hand, you realize that there is a leap of faith, a launching into uncertainty and the impulsive decision to ‘Go!’ in spite of how you feel deep down.

When Moses gave his parting words to Joshua as he was about to take the mantle of leadership, he told him three times: “Be strong and courageous”  (Deuteronomy 31:6,7,23). Why? Because the Lord would be leading the way as he led the people of Israel.

When Joshua challenged the people of Israel to go forward into the land of promise, he uttered the same words three times: “Be strong and courageous” (Joshua 1:6,7,9) because the Lord was going to go before them.  Later, king David challenged Solomon with the same words (1 Chronicles 28:20).

I have a question.

When you are assured that God is going with you, that He is going before you and that He will be with you all of the way, why is it necessary to be strong and courageous?  If our confidence and assurance is in Him, why must we be strong and courageous.  Isn’t that what He is…strong and courageous…as He leads the way and we follow behind Him?

As I have contemplated this concept of being strong and courageous I have come to believe that it takes strength and courage to trust God to see us through.  Our natural inclination is to launch forth confidently knowing that we have the intestinal fortitude to face whatever challenge is ahead because we are ingenious, strong and disciplined.  This is what we usually mean when we tell each other to be strong and courageous.  “You can do it,” we often say, “I have confidence in you!”  This is also why we are often so nervous when starting something new: we don’t feel so strong and courageous in and of ourselves.

The challenge to be strong and courageous from God’s perspective, it seems to me, is that we be strong and courageous in our trust in His ability to see us through and so we get to work, trusting Him, placing our faith in Him and watching to see His hand at work.  Letting go of the controls, trusting Him and moving forward with confidence in His ability to bring good out of whatever may come is probably better termed, faith.  Putting our faith in Him modes not mean that we sit on our hands to watch Him do all of the work.  What it means is that we move forward with all our might trusting Him with the eventual outcome, anticipating another opportunity to watch Him at work.  Talk about strength and courage!

And so, as I sit here ready to sign up to lease an office space for my fledgling private practice, my stomach twists up as I choose to be strong and courageous to sign on the bottom line trusting Him to make the most of my faith walk as I look expectantly towards his guiding hand.

Be strong and courageous.