Father’s Day is a relatively new event, signed into law by Richard Nixon in 1972.  While there are no ‘official’ job descriptions for fathers, there is a general consensus about what they are supposed to do.  Much of this is anchored in Scripture and goes back to the ultimate, perfect Father who set the bar for the rest of us.

I have been contemplating this concept since celebrating my own father’s holiday last Sunday and pulled together some reflections based upon my observations of his life with my mom.

Family First – When I think of dad I think of mom, too.  I never really saw them take much “me time” with the girls or with the guys.  They were all about ‘us time’.  On our little farm in Plymouth, Michigan there were always chores to do, animals to care for and projects to complete.  Cleaning brick for the patio, tearing down an old house, cleaning out the stalls of the horses, sweating copper pipe joints for the baseboard heating, working in the garden….most all of these tasks had one thing in common: we did them, usually, together. 

Integrity – Even if there was a cost involved, doing the right thing was always the right thing to do.  Sure, there were agonizing moments but, in the end, the clarity of conviction and principle won the day, trumping short cuts and easy answers.  I can remember dad having to file extensions every year for his taxes with receipts all over the dining room table because he would not take a deduction unless he could verify it with a receipt.  It used to drive all of us crazy!

Industrious – Need something done? Sure, we can try.  Where are the manuals.  So many things I learned about cars and home maintenance and construction came from working alongside my father as we learned, together, how to lay brick, how to build a sauna, how to sweat pipe, and so much more.  The spirit of “I can do it” helped me venture into packing the bearings on my bike’s wheels, design a diving bell for exploring the local pond (it didn’t work, by the way!) and, now, to rebuild an old car from the ground up, build a garage and take on projects for the first time.

Creative – Out of the box thinking, willing to go against convention and try new things, innovate, change, forge ahead.  Taking advantage of a neglected forrest area behind Gallimore School he pushed forward and transformed it into a nature trail with an amphitheater, walking trail and nature experiments.  Just getting the Road Runner as mascot for the school required contacting Warner Brother’s for copyright permission.  As a kid I can remember the excitement I felt when dad received the letter granting permission, coming from Warner Brother’s studios itself!

Faithful – On the farm there will be accidents, bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes and blood spilled.  This is not a place for the squeemish, the faint or the timid.  On the farm, you see it all, smell it all, and experience life, front and center.  Truly, the farm is a great place to raise a family to prepare them for the world.  Great place to learn that if you don’t feed the animals, the animals don’t get fed.  If you don’t clean out the stalls, the animals have to…well, you get the picture.  So much of the farm’s functioning depends upon it’s owners being regular, predictable…faithful.  Never had a question about whether or not he was devoted to be faithful to his marriage or his family because he was there all of the time when not at work, helping us do what had to be done.

Spiritual – The underpinnings of my faith have undergone significant transformation over the years but it began by watching my dad faithfully, dutifully, make sure that our family attended church every Sunday.  Even when we were on the road on vacation, our priority was to find a church on Sundays and Wednesdays where we could meet with the saints.  Serving each other communion in the woods while hunting in northern Michigan or dressing for Sunday service in the pop-up camper before going to church…these memories

are embedded in my consciousness.  But it was more than that.  My dad’s fastidiousness with church attendance was matched by his spiritual journey that I have watched over the years.  Immersed in legalism in our early family life, we, as a family, have all grown together–at varying rates of progression–in our appreciation for God’s grace.  Much of this was initiated when my father and mother made the decision to uproot our family from Michigan as the drugs began to flood the schools and move us to Harding University in Searcy, Arkansas where he would earn a reputation as a spiritual swimming coach for  Arnie’s Army.

Conclusion

While much more can be said about fathers and the legacy they leave behind, my personal reflections serve to remind me of the things I hope to pass along to my family in the years to come.  Some of our fathers never had the opportunity to learn from great examples and they had to make it up as they went along.  Some fathers fail miserably,  passing along their dysfunctions to generations;  trouble that only the brave and resolute will correct.  My hat is off to those who have chosen to be good fathers in spite of their experiences.

For most, however, we look up to fathers who did their best.  In most cases, this quality rings true through all of the incredible variety of challenges and experiences we will face over the years, testing our resolve, our commitment, our principles and our values to our very core.  Need a good role model in those desperate times?  Look to God and seek out someone who knows Him well and you will be well on your way to being the father that your children will cherish.

Parenting is tough.  While children go through their developmental changes, each with their own unique personalities and temperaments, parents must morph their parenting tools to adapt and change.  Not only must the techniques and tools change with developmental stages but, at the same time, they must further adapt to the uniqueness of each child.  I sometimes wonder who must change the most during these transitions: the child or the parent!?

Wise parents use a complex, dynamic arsenal of tools to help their children move from the cradle to differentiated lives as adults. We use rewards to encourage good choices and punishment to discourage bad choices.  At other times we ignore behaviors in hopes that they will stop for lack of reinforcement while we redirect their focus of attention to encourage positive feedback loops and new interests.

There are parents who do not have a clue about how to use these tools equitably and their kids still live successful lives. At the same time there are others who apply them with wisdom only to watch their offspring make horrible choices with painful consequences.

As the ultimate Parent, God, the Father of Israel, worked to shape the lives of His children over hundreds of years of history with punishments, rewards, forgiveness and blessings and so much more…but they still killed his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

Parenting is tough…just ask God.

And when you struggle with the choices your kids make, remember: God wrestles with the choices we make as well, in spite of everything He has done for us.  Yet, our failures do not mean He is a failure, nor do our children’s wrong choices necessarily mean that we are bad parents.

Children will make wrong choices, just like you and I did!

Here is the kicker: bad choices are often made because we choose to make them, not because God let us down.  It’s the same with our kids.  Sure, unlike God, we have all made parenting mistakes…some of us more than others.  But at some point we must realize that our children are free to make their own choices and to suffer their own consequences for those choices.  Like us, our hope for them is that their choices become learning opportunities that open the door to better choices in the future.

So, give yourself a break now and then and stop beating yourself up for the mistakes your kids make.  Parenting is tough and perhaps the biggest lesson to learn along the way is that the maturing process may have more to do with what we learn as parents than what our kids learn under our watchful eye.  Perhaps just as important as what our kids learn in the process of life is discovering what we are learning as parents who are hoping for the best in the process.

Struggling with parenting? You are in good company!

Hosea 11:1-4

1 “When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
² But the more they were called,
the more they went away from me.
They sacrificed to the Baals
and they burned incense to images.
³ It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.
⁴ I led them with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love.
To them I was like one who lifts
a little child to the cheek,
and I bent down to feed them.

News Flash!

A recent study has revealed that exposure to movies that contain sexual content has an impact upon teenage sexual behavior!

This assertion was measured along two dimensions:

1. Sexual Debut – A correlation was found to suggest that “Movie Sexual Exposure” led to teens having their initial sexual experience at an earlier age.

2. Risky Behavior – A relationship between “Movie Sexual Exposure” and an increase in ”sexual risk taking’ was also found suggesting an increase in unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

The study further determined that there may be an interrelationship between teenage exposure to sexual content in movies, sexual debut and risky behaviors.

This study is discussed in more detail on the Baptist Press News website and it provides something of a wake-up call for something we already know.  These common sense correlations raise red flags to parents and verify that it makes sense to take care of a few things at home.

1. Be clear about your own personal sexual values to make sure they are in alignment with your own faith and beliefs.  Throughout the Bible, for example, there are clear teachings about God’s gift of sexual expression and the boundaries that surround it.

2. Lead by example by making sure that, as adults, our sexual values and our movie watching habits are in alignment with each other.  Let your children catch you doing the right thing by watching movies and surfing websites that reinforce those values that you wish to pass on to the next generation.

3. Be prepared to talk to your pre-adolescent children and teenagers about the contrast between your family’s sexual values and those of Hollywood and the entertainment industry.  Better yet, make time to proactively discuss this with them in age-appropriate ways; rest assured they are already being bombarded from other sources.

4. Demonstrate your love and concern by monitoring the movie and entertainment habits of your teens.   Transparent tools such as Covenant Eyes can help curb the temptation and empower parents.

Of course, there are no guarantees for success in passing on parental values to our children and teens.  It just makes sense to communicate and encourage values that we believe in–and that we live by–to give children and teens a touchstone from which to make their choices in life.  Counseling teens and their families can be helpful for setting boundaries and shaping behaviors.

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I am often asked if I see children and teens in my practice.  The answer is yes; but, not in the traditional sense.

In Family Therapy, the first few sessions of psychotherapy with a child or adolescent will also involve meeting with either or both parents and their siblings.  The therapist’s task is to consult with the family to assess their unique interactional patterns, to define the problem and to specify the goals and objectives of therapy.

During the assessment phase someone in the family describes the problem.  The Family Therapist may bring the whole family together for a session.  He or she may also meet individually with other family members based upon the belief that  a child’s problem or adolescent’s behavior is best viewed in the context of the interaction patterns between family members.

During the process of goal formation these communication patterns are important.  First, they contribute to the psychological health of the family and, second, they clarify the dynamics of the problem as defined by the family.

Finally, drawing upon the strengths and wisdom of the family the therapist works within the interactional patterns to help bring about a solution to the problem.  Therapy is concluded when the goal that the family identified is achieved.

This emphasis upon the family system as opposed to focusing exclusively on the individual sets family therapy apart from more traditional approaches.  In the end, this approach makes sense as key members of the family are engaged with and invested in change for the better that will last beyond the therapy sessions into everyday life.