The beginning point of addressing our denial is to realize that my belief that I have power or the ability to control anything in this life is an illusion. I cannot control the weather, natural disasters, human error, evil, other people, and an infinite number of other random events or coincidences. What I do have control over is found in the gift of free will. I have the ability to choose how I live, how I think and how I act.
A common theme for present troubles is often anchored in our feelings towards a specific person or group of people. Among the most common feelings is anger that springs from a belief that life has been unfair and unjust because of the actions of one or more people who mistreated us.
Throughout life we learn ways to express those intense feelings in other, more socially appropriate, ways. For example, when hurt deeply as a child I may learn to withdraw and become sullen and quiet while enduring an injustice for which I have not yet been equipped to cope with, emotionally. Later in life it would be easy to see how this emotion could manifest itself as depression and anxiety.
Especially when families keep “secrets” such as a child with a parent who struggles with an alcohol or drug dependency or physical, sexual and emotional abuse, each member of that family develops coping skills that revolve around the problem behaviors, rather than unfolding naturally.
How we handle our pain and disappointment is so unique to each of us that it becomes predictable only in the larger picture. Old memories lead to post traumatic reactions to current occasions that happen mysteriously because we have not understood the origin of our reactions.
Learning to address our intense emotions in healthy ways is dependent upon first, realizing that we have a problem. Many times these problems do not become evident until they become either irrational reactions to simple events or overreactions to the normal stresses of life. When they start impacting our day-to-day functioning then we start wondering what is wrong with us. When we are in denial, we are often stuck with wondering what is wrong with everyone around us.
Breaking out of denial can be a gradual awakening or it can come on suddenly without warning. One of the real points of transition comes when we start analyzing some of our coping skills that we developed in childhood and start looking for new, adulthood coping tools to put into our tool bag. Maturity is probably best understood as the recognition that the biggest room in our home is the room for improvement coupled with a critical weighing of our motives and actions.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt; it is a state of being that is useful as a temporary coping mechanism but troublesome when stubbornly held on to for reasons that keep us from facing our struggles head-on. Sometimes the most helpful thing a Marriage and Family Therapist can do is help families deal with the problems that they would prefer to ignore because of the fear of what may happen when the truth is revealed. Even the revelation of painful truths can require less energy than keeping issues in the dark and avoiding reality.