Every couple has issues they need to discuss.   Sometimes, however, the only time they are able to talk about those issues is when they are fighting over the issue itself.  Consequently, afraid of starting a fight, they choose to avoid the topic until it forces its way to the surface in the form of a disagreement, an argument or a conflicting behavior.

Couples who want to change this behavior realize that there are issues that they need to address together and they make a decision to do something about it.  Without helpful, constructive skills in place, however, they run the risk of watching their best of intentions descend into the valley of one more contentious exchange or silent withdrawal.

Markman, Stanley and Blumberg (Fighting for Your Marriage, 2010) suggest that there are certain clues to tell us when to beware of hidden issues that need to be addressed but that we tend to avoid.  Of course, their recommendation is that people learn the necessary skills to make sure that those issues receive air time in a way that is helpful and constructive.  Here are some of the signs of a hidden issue:

Wheel Spinning – Suddenly, you find yourself thinking: “Here we go again!”  In the pit of your stomach you know how the discussion will unfold, who is going to say what and how it will end.

Trivial Triggers – The issue itself is so trivial until it  unravels into another escalating conflict that leaves everyone scratching their heads asking, “How did we ever get to this point over something so silly?”

Avoidance – There are topics that are simply avoided, often having to do with cultural or experiential differences such as personal appearances, family backgrounds, religious preferences, feelings about ex-spouses, envy, and so much more.  Avoidance is choosing not to bring it up because you already know how the other person will respond…at least you think you know….  The key is that bringing up the topic can challenge our fear of being rejected–at least not accepted–because of our opinion or belief.

Score Keeping – When someone starts keeping score of offenses and infractions it could be that a hidden agenda is working beneath the surface to get even, to balance the scales or to make a point.  A clear indicator is when the recitation of points scored seems so disconnected from the issue at hand.  It could be that the common thread that ties them all together is too difficult to talk about with one spouse hoping the other clues in on the matter before it’s too late.

The question is, how can we surface these issues and address them in a way that leads us to greater intimacy and greater appreciation for our differences and similarities?  A couple of important keys lie in one’s ability to seek to understand rather than to be understood coupled with a dedication to refuse to try to ‘fix’ the problem too early.  The opposite of these (i.e., seeking to be understood rather than seeking to understand and the desire to fix a problem before we grasp the significance of the challenge) is more the norm and explains why so many issues go unresolved and develop a life of their own in spite of each person’s desire that they would just go away.