Counseling

Counseling and Faith

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For more than thirty years I have been counseling people as either, in the beginning, a ministerial graduate student or during my career as a minister in the Christian faith.  So, naturally, people have correctly assumed that I was a Christian.  More specifically, they usually assumed, correctly again, that I was a Christian counselor within the churches of Christ.  With those assumptions they knew that we would agree on many things, including many doctrinal issues that were unique to our particular branch of a specific religious movement in America known as the Restoration Movement.

Having been in private practice for a couple of years now whether or not I am a Christian Marriage and Family Therapist seems to have taken on a new meaning that is fascinating.  Some correctly assume that I am in favor of strong marriages and families as the means for raising strong children from a Christian perspective.   At the same time, most understand that, morally and ethically, I am bound to respect the values of the clients that I see and their individual faith systems.

Much more will be written on this topic.  Today, the important point is that the fact that I am a Christian means certain things across belief systems.  These values are important to me and underlie every aspect of my work with people:

  • Honesty: What good is therapy if we cannot be honest with each other?  Learning to be honest and transparent is an important ingredient to good communication and strong, working relationships.
  •  Integrity: Related to honesty is the intention of the therapist to be a person of his or her word.  Scheming and deceptive practices do not make sense when we are working to strengthen trust and confidence in one another.
  • Respect: Therapy is strategic, solution-focused and, when possible, biased towards brevity.  The time and energy it takes to solve problems and move on is too precious to use for anything other than working to accomplish the goals of the client and to help them move on with life.

The list will go on over time as I update this article from time to time but the point I wish to make is that because I am a Christian I accept people where they are in life, encourage them to overcome obstacles, manage  transitions and achieve their potential as they define their obstacles, transitions and potential.

 

People

Mistakes, Learning Opportunities & Life Coaching

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Learning opportunities come to us in many ways.  Close to the top of the list of powerful learning opportunities comes with making mistakes.  Indeed, it is often through our failures that we learn both the techniques needed for success and the effort that will be required. A marriage and family therapist may provide just the life coaching needed to help turn failures into possibilities.

The newly appointed president of the bank was young at 32 years of age.  Daunted by the challenges of the position he sat down with a former president of the bank who was now elderly and a man of few words.

“What is the most important thing for me to do as a new president,” he asked the older man.

“Right decisions,” was his terse reply.

“Thank you, sir. That is very helpful,” the young banker replied.  “But how do I make  right decisions?”

The wise old man replied: “Experience.”

Somewhat exasperated the young president said, “This is why I came to see you!  How do I get the experience to help me make right decisions?”

“Wrong decisions,” was the gentleman’s reply.

Maturity does not necessarily come with age; but, it rarely occurs without it.  Most of living our lives is done spontaneously, often with little or no training or education.*

Much of what we do know has come from our experience.  For example, for child rearing we find that how we were raised has a significant impact upon how we raise our children.  Most of us can point to things we appreciated in the people who raised us that we hope to duplicate.  On the other hand, we can also point to wrong actions we wish to avoid in our childrearing because of the painful example of our caregivers.

Outside of those experiences, we may pick up a book or two on parenting, compare notes about childrearing issues with friends and co-workers, or attend a workshop or two.  The fact is that most of what we learn would be best characterized by familiar expressions such as ‘flying by the seat of your pants,’ ‘trail and error,’ ‘hunt and peck,’ and ‘going with your gut.’  You do the best you can under the circumstances and while we often make good choices and right decisions, the ones that we tend to remember the most vividly are the mistakes, the wrong decisions.  We remember them, often, because they did not produce the desired result.  At other times we remember them because the results of our choices had bad results that we never wish to see happen again.

In wartime and other extreme circumstances the mistakes can have injurious or even fatal consequences. A brother volunteers for a scouting mission in France at the end of World War II because another soldier–a friend–had backed down at the last minute out of fear.  The volunteer was killed by a land mine during that mission while his soldier friend lived with the guilt of his choice for the rest of his life.  Thankfully, most of our mistakes do not have those kinds of extreme consequences.

In the day-to-day fabric of life we make good choices and we make bad choices.  Indeed, it is the bad choices that help us learn to make good choices more often.  The bummer is that it takes time and suffering through the consequences to help us learn most effectively for future choices.  We also have to weigh again and again our experience against our best judgement and acquired information to address new situations that the manuals didn’t mention, the seminar speaker didn’t address and our friends and co-workers had no clue about how to help.

You are on your own.

You make a decision.

You take action.

You learn from the consequences.

You are now better informed and prepared for the next decision with no guarantees; just a better probability that you will make a better choice next time.

Mistakes are terrible things to waste.  Learn from them!

 

*Ben Patterson, Waiting: Finding Hope When God Seems Silent, 1990.

Marriage

Forever, Marriage Communication & Counseling

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What does marital communication have to do with the word ‘forever’: a popular word on YouTube with more than 1 million hits.  A quick scan suggests that it is most often associated with music across a broad range of genres.  My suspicion is that most of those songs  relate to one person’s love for another and that the word that comes to mind is the word “forever.”

So, when we marry we say things like “till death do we part” and “through sickness and health, for richer or poorer” and more.  The words forever, love, marriage, family have traditionally been bound together.

Yet, we now live in a culture where the words are broken out into conditional sentences.  Often words like ‘forever’ are rendered emotional sentiments that have little basis in reality.

Part of this is anchored in our experience.  “Nothing lasts forever” is not only a colloquial phrase; it is the truth.  Then, there are the things that were supposed to last forever, meaning, a person’s lifetime.  When those lifetime things end through death we all understand that the phrase is true: nothing does last forever.

On the other hand, when children see their parents divorce the sense of permanence and stability engendered by lifelong commitments is challenged to reorient itself to words like disposable, temporary, and transient.  So, we do what we can to assure each other that our commitment to each other is ‘forever’ while we work out the pre-nuptual agreements…just in case.  So many couples, now, are foregoing the forever commitment of marriage and opting to live in the same house to enjoy the sweetness of commitment without having made ‘the’ commitment to each other.

Of course, the fear of any forever commitment to someone else entails an acceptance of responsibility that can be severely tested by a car accident, an unfortunate diagnosis, or a mid-life wanderlust.  Perhaps one reason for not wanting to make those kinds of forever commitments is that we have seen too many failures coupled with our desire to avoid the pain of disappointment and regret.

The reality is that there are no risk-free commitments, nor is there an insurance policy to protect us from emotional and psychological pain.  At the same time there are ways to increase the probabilities for success and preventive measures that can be taken to reduce the likelihood of dissolution when the times get tough…and those times will come.  The pain that will come in interpersonal relationships can provide the impetus for doing the things that will deepen and enrich our appreciation and love for each other if we take advantage of the tools that will open the door to healing and growth.

Among the most useful predictors of success or failure can be found in the basics of communication.  If we can refine and develop the skills needed to talk about tough issues we can navigate our ways through other potential trouble-spots such as financial management, religious beliefs, familial relationships, and parenting philosophies.  Conversely, if the art of good communication and conflict resolution skills are not built into a fledgling relationship early in a couple’s life together, these areas will predictably become problem areas later on.

So, while there are no guarantees for success in relationships it is still possible to make ‘forever’ promises when you know you have taken care of  increasing the probabilities for success.  Coaching in basic communication skills can help and there are wonderful resources available to help people along the way to understanding and appreciation of our similarities and differences so that the whole becomes greater than just the sum of its parts.

Counseling

Pre-Marital Counseling

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There are many tools available to the Marriage and Family Therapist to help a couple prepare for marriage.  Pre-Marital Counseling holds great potential as the perfect wedding gift that keeps on giving for years afterwards.

First is the simple intake interview.  During this time the therapist interviews each partner one-on-one to learn about their family history, their own life experiences and the challenges they have faced.  Counselors ask questions in order to understand more of the personality of each person: their preferences, their fears and their concerns.

Second is testing which can range from the standard personality inventories to detect any psychological or emotional challenges to assessments that highlight personal preferences and  styles.  Other inventories are specifically designed to help couples evaluate their compatibilities and points of potential conflict.  As the therapist gets to know the couple better he or she is better able to determine which evaluations would be most helpful.

Third is the family genogram which is a time of discovery for the couple to explore their own family histories.  Insights are gained by interviewing family members along their family tree to discover more about each other’s heritage and background.  Some take it so far as to interview distant relatives that they may not have had a relationship with before.  Others will actually visit old homesteads, cemeteries and family landmarks.

Other aspects often covered in the counseling process include religious, financial and occupational issues.  Sometimes other professionals are consulted when potential challenges are detected from health issues to legal matters.  Pre-marital counseling can focus on specific concerns that the therapist uncovers and need specialized attention such as communication training, parenting expectations, living arrangements and housekeeping assumptions.

Counseling is particularly helpful when families blend.  With children of each partner involved in the merging process the ability to address both the marital and the family issues that will arise can be invaluable.  With its emphasis upon the interactional and relational patterns within  each family, Marriage and Family Therapy can be effective prevention for helping couples avoid many of the hazards that often cripple families early in their marriage and in step-parenting.

The key is that the Marriage and Family Therapist is focused upon the dynamics of the family system and helping the couple explore as many aspects of their relationship as possible before they tie the knot.   With all of the time and energy that goes into a wedding and honeymoon that will last from a few hours to a few weeks, it just makes sense to take the time to look at those aspects of their marriage that will carry them through each day for the rest of their lives.

 

Theophilos

What’s Right With The Church?

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Library of Celcius, Ephesus

What’s right with the church?  In Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus he makes three logical points that challenge us today.

Step One: Appreciate What God Has Done For You Through Jesus Christ (Chapters 1-3).  Paul is referring to God’s resurrection power that brought Jesus from the tomb and that is now at work in us as we are presently seated with Christ in God’s throne room (Eph. 2:6).  God took the initiative to rescue us while we were ‘dead in our transgressions’ (Eph. 2:4-5).

Step Two: Based Upon What God Has Done For Us Through Jesus Christ Our Daily Walk Should Change (Ephesians 4:1-6:9).  Now that we know what God has done for us we begin to walk in a way that reflects our gratitude for what He has done.  We begin imitating God Himself (Ephesians 5:1).

Step Three: Based Upon What God Has Done For Us Through Jesus Christ, As We Imitate Him, We Put On The Armor He Has Given Us, Standing Confidently To Defend Ourselves Against Satan’s Forces, Praying That His Will Be Done (Epheisnas 6:10-24).  The armor is for our protection as we stand our ground praying and petitioning God for the saints and for those carrying the good news about what God has done for the lost (Ephesians 6:8-20).

These three points by Paul give us a working plan for learning to live in faith.  If your faith is weak in times of struggle, Paul encourages us to sit down at the feet of the cross to begin to grasp the love that God has for you and what He did for you so that he could save you while you were still steeped in the things of this world.  Learn to walk-the-walk, not just talk-the-talk as you follow Him and strive daily to imitate the one who laid it all down for you.  Finally, depend upon the tools He has given you to stand your ground and to defend yourself against Satan himself and pray, pray, pray, that God’s will shall be done to strengthen the saints and to further the great news to the rest of the world so that they, too, can see what God has done for them.

Starting on June 3 I will be teaching a class on Ephesians on Sunday mornings at 9:00 a.m. at the Twin Oaks Christian Church, 22333 King Road, Woodhaven, MI.  I hope you will join me as we study Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus with an emphasis upon applying His word to our lives as we live them out each day.  Taking it a step further, the book of Ephesians challenges churches as well as we come together to celebrate what God has done for us through Jesus Christ, how He wants us to walk each day and how He equips us to stand our ground and let Him fight our battles for us.

A great book for further study is Watchman Nee’s book, Sit, Walk, Stand.

Family

Marriage & Family Therapy Involves Familes

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When speaking of ‘Family Therapy’ we are talking about evaluating the system of relationships that surround a person or a couple.  That system begins with the individual and expands outward.  Over a family life cycle the dynamics of those relationships can stay the same at various levels while changing at other levels.  It is in the transitions in relationships that problems can occur.

Most families develop some type of coping mechanism as family members…and their relationships…change over time.  But on occasion there are times when families get stuck.

When the focus is on the family as a system the Marriage and Family Therapist begins looking for patterns, perceptions, and beliefs on a relational level that, when addressed, can begin the process of altering the entire family system so that everyone shares in the responsibility for change and maturity.

So, it’s not uncommon for a Marriage and Family Therapist to invite the entire family unit  for the first session.  This way he or she can observe the family, tentatively diagnose the problem and begin talking about treatment alternatives with the family.  Afterwards the therapist may meet with the family at other times or he or any one person or with various combinations of family members.   In solution-focused, brief marriage and family therapy, the therapist works with the family to establish a goal in the first or second session so that everyone will know when the goal is achieved.

At Southshore Counseling, LLC, there are no charges for the first session.  This allows time for the family to determine their comfort level with the therapist.  The key is that Family therapy focuses on the family dynamics of the system, not the disease or problems of the individual.  It does not assign blame but does place emphasis upon personal responsibility for change.  It is goal-directed so we all know when we are done.

Family therapy represents a breath of fresh air to the mental health professions that provides a tested and proven alternative to more traditional approaches.

Theophilos

Anger and Forgiveness

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Anger is rooted in a moral sense of what is right and what is wrong.  The origins of this inner sense begins with a God-given conscience that informs us of how things ‘ought’ to be (Romans 2:14-15).  Over the course of a lifetime that inner compass is further shaped by our life experiences, our families and friends, our culture and the world around us.  When the world around us matches our personal sense of how things ought to be we have little cause for anger.  Conversely, when the world around us does not match our sense of how things ought to be we perceive that we have cause to be angry.

Because of our sin we live in a world where people have the opportunity to make right and wrong choices.   When people make wrong choices it upsets our sense of how things should be and so we often react with anger.  We assume that people should inherently desire to make good choices and that they should inherently know what those choices should be.   Indeed, our anger is fueled when we witness the injustices of our world that violate our sense of how things ought to be.

These injustices can happen at any number of levels.  In our culture today the discussions about bullying, racism, road rage and civil rights are all founded in our sense of right and wrong, good and bad and the innocent victims of poor choices.  These injustices permeate our fallen world from the one-on-one interactions between two people all of the way to nation-states as they struggle for power and control at the expense of the innocent citizens that they are supposed to represent.

And so, it is not surprising that God, Himself, becomes angry over the wrong choices people make, particularly when the disenfranchised are mistreated because of others who have decided that their own desires are more important than the well-being of the defenseless.   The so-called imprecatory Psalms of the Old Testament (e.g., Psalm 7, 35, 55, 58, 59, 69, 82, 83, 94, 109, 137, 139) provide a helpful format to consider how it all works together.  They also give us an insight into an avenue of expression to God that helps the victims of injustice and injury deal with their pain and misfortune in the light of God’s justice and mercy.

First, David focuses upon God’s righteousness and his personal desire to be allied with God in an intimate, personal way.  Secondly, he will ask God to exercise his righteousness by correcting the situation.  Finally, he confesses his trust in God’s ultimate resolution of the imbalances in the world.

The key seems to be that the Lord has exclusive claim to setting the scales correctly and bringing about justice according to His own timing (Romans 12:18-20).  We are called upon to simply trust in Him to do so when the time is right, for His name’s sake.  The imprecatory psalms (along with other similar passages in Scripture) show us that it is good to ask that God’s will be done in the implementation of justice and then practice leaving it there, at the foot of His throne.

For those who struggle with personal injury due to the immoral behavior of others across the spectrum of human experience, this may be the only recourse for healing in cases where the perpetrator has passed away.  When the person causing injury is a former spouse and the Christian is called upon to forgive, learning to allow God to balance the scales by leaving it with Him may give the emotional room to deal with the continuing challenges that come with, for example, difficult post-divorce situations.

All of the way through, trusting God to do the right thing–and asking that His will be done–is always the right answer.

—————

For more detailed discussion, thanks for the article, Preaching Imprecatory Psalms, by John Marks Hicks.

Marriage

Language of Love & Marriage and Family Therapy

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Gary Chapman authored a book entitled The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.  Originally published in 1992, the book’s relevance to enhancing relationships is timeless.  Marriage and Family Therapists are specially trained to help couples and families learn how to speak to one another.

When being “in love” moves from becoming a temporary emotional high to a longstanding, enduring commitment the rules change.  When we are ‘in love’ our partner can do no wrong and our desire is to make the relationship last forever.

As we come to know each other over time, however, being in love becomes more of a choice–a decision–than a state of being.  A key ingredient to lasting love is the decision to learn what pleases the other as well as one’s self.

Chapman identifies five languages of love that can be helpful for building and maintaining enduring relationships.  They are:

  • Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
  • Love Language #2: Quality Time
  • Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
  • Love Language #4: Acts of Service
  • Love Language #5: Physical Touch

What is needed is for each person to know the expressions of love according to (1) their own preferred language and (2) their partner’s own preferences. Over time many couples learn these languages without enumerating them as we have done here.  For others of us it is an important aid to shorten the learning time needed and to help relationships get off to a good start.

When we don’t know each other’s language we begin the process of elimination that can be rather painful at times.  For example, Sam loves to get gifts for his birthday more than anything else.  His wife, Mary, on the other hand loves to have people do works of service for her.  Over the years Sam keeps giving Mary more and more expensive gifts but he never gets the response from her that he was anticipating.  At the same time Sam never remembers to pick up his socks off of the bedroom floor, forgets to take out the garbage and never helps with the housework.

Conversely, Mary loves helping Sam with various projects such as painting a room or changing the oil of the car.  She always wonders why Sam–who prefers to work alone–always seems short tempered and agitated when she helps.  She thinks she is showing him her enduring love by giving him the gift that she appreciates the most; yet, he repays her with ingratitude.

The key for the couple is to understand that they are speaking the wrong languages to each other.  Assuming that Sam really wants to please Mary, he would expend more energy in picking up after himself, helping with chores without being asked and join Mary when she engages in housecleaning projects.  Sam would benefit with a double benefit.  First, he would be giving Mary exactly what says “I love you!” to her and, second, he would save a lot of money by giving more modest gifts.

Conversely, how differently Sam might respond if Mary would listen carefully and take notes when Sam ‘accidentally’ shares with her his desire for a special tool or accessory while walking through the mall.  Sam might respond very differently to her acts of love when what he merely mentioned 8 months ago suddenly shows up on the kitchen counter for his birthday, set next to his favorite chocolate cake and surrounded by his closest friends.

Outside of our romantic relationships, imagine how listening for each other’s languages could help in relationships in general.  The possibilities are endless.

For more information check out Gary Chapman’s book and surprise your mate as you observe his or her preferences, ask questions that pique their interest and you suddenly start wowing them with unsolicited behaviors that speak directly to their language of love.  To help each of you in your marriage there is a workbook that goes with the material as well that can re-set the love meter in your life as you start speaking each other’s language.

 

Theophilos

The Wilderness and The Hand of God

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The ‘wilderness’ can mean more than an arid, deserted place.  It can also be a place within where the hand of God wrestles with us to examine ourselves in the face of His holiness, justice and righteousness.

Naomi had moved from Bethlehem in Judah to a foreign land with her husband and two sons.  While there her two sons married wives from the country of Moab.  Her future for grandchildren was bright and filled with hope.

When her husband, Elimelech, passed away she still harbored hope that her two sons and their wives would provide and care for her.  They continued to live there for the next ten years; but, still no children to carry on the family name.  However, when both of her sons died, Naomi found herself alone in a foreign country with two widows of her sons and no hope for deliverance.

Naomi left for home, encouraging her two daughters-in-law to return to their people and try to start over.  Orpah left but Ruth would not go.  She insisted upon going with Naomi to her people because of her love for her mother-in-law.

When Naomi and Ruth returned to Israel she was greeted by friends who called her by her name which meant ‘pleasant.’  Instead, from now on, she insisted, “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me” (Ruth 1:20, NIV).   The hope for a family was gone and she was coming home to live off of the charity of others.

One of the things that happens when we are in the wilderness of suffering, sorrow or despair is that we are afraid to hope because we don’t want to be disappointed again.  But, it is during that waiting time that God does His greatest work in our hearts because we let go of the things we have trusted in the past and reach out in trust to Him.  It is that expectation that He will deliver us that opens the door for Him to finally fulfill his plan through our willing spirits.

When Naomi heard the experiences of Ruth in the care of a man named Boaz, she dared to hope that God was at work to bring about something great…and He was.  When Boaz and Ruth finally marry they give birth to a son and the story leaves us with a wonderful picture of Naomi with her grandson laying in her lap, allowing her to dream again about what God would bring about through this newborn son.

When Naomi saw the hand of God, she moved quickly to help Ruth walk through the door of His providence when it began to open.  This key is so important to our struggle in the wilderness.  Sometimes the loneliness and depression can blind us to the moving of God’s hand.  Even when we see His intervention our own pain can lead us to distrust our senses and steal defeat from the jaws of victory.  The key: when you see Him bringing about a good work, move quickly with certainty, trusting in Him to guide you through.

Little did Naomi know that her embers of hope would fan into flame as she rocked the grandfather of king David in her lap, adding one more critical link to the genealogy of  Christ Himself.

It is that hungering for God that sustains us in the midst of the wilderness as we learn to release those things that compete for our affections.  It is that longing for His appearing that causes us to notice His activity in the smallest details of life.  It is that joy that we realize when we see His plans unfold before us and we see the ways He has used our waiting to lead us to His revelation.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

Isaiah 40:28 (NIV)

 

I owe these insights and so much more to the writings of Larry Crabb in his book Shattered Dreams (2002), referred to me by Tim Woodroof during a very difficult time in my own wilderness.  Thanks.  <>< steve

People

Understanding Versus Being Understood

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“What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate”

So much of human communication hinges upon understanding one another. We usually are safe to make the assumption  that the other person is listening well enough to understand what we are saying.  Yet, when two people are focused on making the other one understand what they are saying, this speaking past each other can lead to real challenges.  It is not always safe to assume that the other person is actually listening to understand.  At times like this “we have a failure to communicate.”

The way to break the impasse is for either party to begin the process of listening to the other person in hopes of understanding what they are actually saying.  When each person is mutually invested in this process the results can be astounding.  When neither person is invested in this process of listening the results can be devastating.

When one person is willing to stop and listen change begins to occur.  What is more, with active listening using tools like paraphrasing or reflecting questions the process of listening enters a new dimension that introduces empathy.  The goal of the listener is for the other person (i.e., the one seeking to be understood) to agree that, indeed, the listener does understand.  When that moment occurs, then the energy is diminished from the struggle to be understood and a genuine conversation can begin.  When the speaker senses that he/she is being understood they are empowered to return the favor and begin the process of active listening while the original listener now shares his or her perspective.

This process of active listening can be learned.  Once mastered it can become a powerful tool for strengthening and deepening relationships from the basic level of one-on-one conversation to the macro level of communication between nation states.