People

Adventures in Life

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EPSON MFP imageMonday morning began as most Monday mornings in my life.  The only exception was that our oldest daughter was preparing to drive her car to Minnesota to begin her adventure to make a new beginning for herself all on her own.  The morning continued normally until my cell phone rang.

“Hey dad, what does it mean when the battery light comes on?”

Three hours down the road, knowing that we were on borrowed time I started suggesting options.  Corroded battery posts…battery…alternator….uggh!  Always work from the least expensive option to the most.

So, I began conducting searches on the computer for auto parts stores close to her location.  I knew of some chains that would offer battery/alternator testing to diagnose the problem and recommend a solution.  Perhaps it was a battery.  Simple fix and not as expensive as an alternator replacement.  Of course, there is the u-turn option of coming home so I can take it to a trusted mechanic and fix it.

Then came the next call: “Hey dad, the light went off.  I think I’m going to keep going.”

Whew, disaster averted.  I decided not to tell my wife because she would just worry….

Then came the third phone call.

“Hey dad.  I stopped at the rest stop to go to the bathroom and get a pop.  When I got back to the car it wouldn’t start.  It just made this clicking sound.”

“Ok,” I said.  “I’ll be there in about three hours.”

So much for my normal Monday.  Hurrying home, I finally called Pam to let Anna’s mom know the situation and my proposed solution.  She could start worrying, now.  I changed clothes, put the tools in the trunk and rushed off to fill the tank and pick up some D-cell batteries for the flashlight.

So much for my average Monday.  From this point on we made it up as we moved along, flying by the seat of our pants.

From the earliest days of Pamela’s pregnancies, my dream had always been to have kids who loved to do stuff with their dad.  In the early days, it worked pretty good with Legos and some other projects.

And then, one day, it stopped.  I don’t think it was anything particular that I did or said.  It just happened.

I’ve decided that one of the problems of teaching kids to be independent is that, after a while, they don’t depend on you any more.  That has a good side when I approve of the choices they are making; but, it can be a killer when they make choices of which I do not approve.

There also comes a point where they want to do things without me!  Imagine that!  And so, my dream of doing stuff together began to Anna&Stephenfade until I finally gave up.

Back to Monday, this was one of those weird times when I was actually excited that Anna needed me.  When I arrived I opened the trunk, pulled out the tools and we started on the battery while looking up the local auto parts store in Marshall, Michigan.  The adventure had now, officially, begun as we raced to find a solution before the sun set.  Maybe we could fix it without needing a tow.

Several hours later, a few busted knuckles and greasy fingernails, we were on our way back home with a new battery, hoping the alternator could function just enough to get us home.

No such luck.  Calling for a tow truck in Ann Arbor, Michigan to take us to a local repair shop that rated five stars on the internet, we finally left the car at the shop and found our way home in my car Tuesday morning by 1:30 a.m.

With the change in plans for my day I had a blast with my daughter as we worked together to solve our problem with the car.  We laughed, we held tools for each other, we talked about wrenches and sockets and tricks and techniques of the trade and got the job done.

Here is the point.  Life is an adventure, made to lead us down paths that we can hardly plan or anticipate.  We have choices to make when we respond to circumstances.  Given the fact that we often have little control over the forces that push and pull us every day, we have opportunities to decide how we will act and react to each day’s challenges.

Make the most of each day, going with the challenges and facing the problems with a sense of adventure.  Only God knows what opportunities or discoveries you may encounter along the way.

 

 

Theophilos

Healing Despair

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despairPsalm 88 is one of those unique psalms that leave the reader hanging.  At the outset is the proclamation: “Lord, you are the God who saves me;” but, it quickly bores down into the pit of despair.  I would suggest that it is when the reason for despair is assessed, that is when healing can begin.

This is one of those psalms where you keep waiting for the u-turn where the author realizes that his words are getting dark and kind-of scary so he quickly remembers the Lord’s faithfulness and ends on a positive note.

Not so with this psalm. This one does not come up for air or let up in its descent. Note the final words: “darkness is my closest friend.”  It is not one that we would find in a hymnal or in our worship service: “Turn in your hymnals to Psalm 88.” I don’t think so!

So, what is the purpose of such a psalm?

My takeaway is that this psalm recognizes that we sometimes face situations in life that are truly without remedy, that press our coping skills beyond their limits and that defy solutions.  It is at times like this that we need to assess the extent of the damage and the harm that has been done.  It is a time when we evaluate our own role in the circumstances and face them head-on.  Our own emotional reactions–and the reactions of those around us–also need to be confronted and appreciated.

It is a time to face the truths of life without platitudes, flippant analyses or dream-world denial.

As a coping skill, denial is an important tool for buffering us from the harshness of sudden calamity or devastating, sudden loss.  But, at some time, the stark reality must be confronted and processed as our coping skills and our core beliefs and principles are tested and preparing for the arduous road ahead.

Friends and family often feel uncomfortable with those realities as well and they empathize enough to know that they wish to make the suffering get better or go away.  So, simple platitudes such as “it will all work out” and “look on the bright side” are almost hurtful, in spite of the best of intentions.  It is at times like this that people feel the need to offer unsolicited advice or counter-intuitive remedies that worked for their uncle or that they read about in the latest tabloid.

There comes a time, however, when you simply have to call a trusted friend to let them know to check in on you at the end of the day.  It is a time to deal with the reality.  So, you lock the door, turn off the phone, pull the shades, call in sick and bury your face in a pillow, screaming at the top of your lungs or punching the daylights out of a punching bag.

It is a time when we are vulnerable to old vices that may seem to offer temporary relief, but, in the end they just delay and prolong the agony.

It can be a dangerous time when we just feel like giving up…

…but, it is an important time.

That’s when passages like Psalm 88 are important.  Passages like this give us permission to grieve, to mourn and to complain about our circumstances.  They open the door to an honest dialogue with God about our pain; He’s big enough to take it.  The book of Lamentations is another helpful tool as the prophet Jeremiah weeps over the devastation of the glorious city of Jerusalem.  Chapter 3 is especially helpful.

Then there are passages like Psalm 22 and its obvious connection to the crucifixion and the sense of betrayal, abject humiliation, suffering and emotional pain.  With these passages we realize that, indeed, we are not alone.

The truth is that in our culture of pills for pain, marketing gimics that offer miracle cures for every ache, and la-la-land advice for complex, intractable, chronic problems, there are not many places for the lament and sorrow that comes with suffering.  So many are forced to heal alone, realizing that no one around them truly understands while others wonder when they are going to “move on” and “get over it.”

How many times these occasions in life truly communicate to us who our real friends are….  When Job faced the ultimate in calamities JobsFriendsin a short period of time, his three friends joined him in the book of Job, chapter 2:11-13:

11 When Job’s three friends…heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

Seven days of compassionate silence is almost impossible today in our hurried culture of simple solutions to complex problems.  But, I would maintain, Jobs friends did their best work when they joined him in his suffering and resisted the normal temptations to help.  It was when they opened their mouths to fix him that God, Himself, judges their actions and acknowledges Job’s example.  Had they allowed Job’s lament to stand on its own in chapter three, joining him in his anguish and sorrow, perhaps they could have actually been helpful.  In chapter four, however, based upon their assumption that God does not allow bad things to happen to good people, they begin to answer the “Why?” question by assuming that Job must have done something terribly wrong.  How else could such calamity happen to this man?

The truth is that there is no perfect life insurance plan that can rule out the horrible things that can happen to people, good or bad.  In other words, while faith in God does promise a better life, it is not a guarantee  for a trouble-free life.  There are times when ‘better’ has to be understood in the midst of great tragedy and suffering and the challenge to juxtapose those realities together is where faith becomes real.

Counseling

Hidden Issues

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NotTalkingEvery couple has issues they need to discuss.   Sometimes, however, the only time they are able to talk about those issues is when they are fighting over the issue itself.  Consequently, afraid of starting a fight, they choose to avoid the topic until it forces its way to the surface in the form of a disagreement, an argument or a conflicting behavior.

Couples who want to change this behavior realize that there are issues that they need to address together and they make a decision to do something about it.  Without helpful, constructive skills in place, however, they run the risk of watching their best of intentions descend into the valley of one more contentious exchange or silent withdrawal.

Markman, Stanley and Blumberg (Fighting for Your Marriage, 2010) suggest that there are certain clues to tell us when to beware of hidden issues that need to be addressed but that we tend to avoid.  Of course, their recommendation is that people learn the necessary skills to make sure that those issues receive air time in a way that is helpful and constructive.  Here are some of the signs of a hidden issue:

Wheel Spinning – Suddenly, you find yourself thinking: “Here we go again!”  In the pit of your stomach you know how the discussion will unfold, who is going to say what and how it will end.

Trivial Triggers – The issue itself is so trivial until it  unravels into another escalating conflict that leaves everyone scratching their heads asking, “How did we ever get to this point over something so silly?”

Avoidance – There are topics that are simply avoided, often having to do with cultural or experiential differences such as personal appearances, family backgrounds, religious preferences, feelings about ex-spouses, envy, and so much more.  Avoidance is choosing not to bring it up because you already know how the other person will respond…at least you think you know….  The key is that bringing up the topic can challenge our fear of being rejected–at least not accepted–because of our opinion or belief.

Score Keeping – When someone starts keeping score of offenses and infractions it could be that a hidden agenda is working beneath the surface to get even, to balance the scales or to make a point.  A clear indicator is when the recitation of points scored seems so disconnected from the issue at hand.  It could be that the common thread that ties them all together is too difficult to talk about with one spouse hoping the other clues in on the matter before it’s too late.

The question is, how can we surface these issues and address them in a way that leads us to greater intimacy and greater appreciation for our differences and similarities?  A couple of important keys lie in one’s ability to seek to understand rather than to be understood coupled with a dedication to refuse to try to ‘fix’ the problem too early.  The opposite of these (i.e., seeking to be understood rather than seeking to understand and the desire to fix a problem before we grasp the significance of the challenge) is more the norm and explains why so many issues go unresolved and develop a life of their own in spite of each person’s desire that they would just go away.

Counseling

Why Will You Not Listen?

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ListeningListening is a challenging communication issue we face every day.  Often we assume that  communication is only about how we talk to one another.  Because we want to know how to help people better understand what we are trying to say we take communication classes and public speaking and speech classes.  These, it is thought, will help me say what I want to say so people can understand me better.
This point is often verbalized in many ways, such as:
“He won’t listen to me!”
“Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall!”
“I don’t think he gets me!”
“Why can’t she understand?!”
NEWS FLASH: Communication involves more than talking.
It could be that people who talk when no one seems to be listening could be talking to themselves or talking on a bluetooth cell phone headset….or they are talking to people who aren’t there.  Without a listener, talking does not make a lot of sense except to the one who is doing it.
Listening problems are not unique to western culture.  It seems to be a part of the nature of man to want others to realize that they have something important to say.  Good examples of poor listening skills can be found in the Bible and were a constant problem for a God who wanted to create a people who would listen to His instruction and do what He said.
Indeed, one would think that when God Himself spoke, everyone would listen.  But, in Psalm 81:8 God is quoted:  “…if you would only listen to me, Israel!”
Even God Almighty struggles with people who will not listen to Him…which is quite amazing to me, really.  If I were God I am not so sure I would be quite so patient!  When God’s own people would not listen to Him He made it clear that He would not exercise judgement upon them for one reason and one reason alone: “For I am God, and not a man— the Holy One among you. I will not come against their cities” (Hosea 11:9).
Something about God’s nature caused Him to go even further to communicate His love so  He took on the form of a man in Jesus Christ (e.g., John 3:16).  Yet, in exasperation with His own disciples, Jesus said:  “Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear?” (Mark 8:17-18).  Translation: “You still don’t get it!?”

Michael Card: “Will You Not Listen?”

I’m reminded of so many parents who have been given a front row seat to God’s pain and frustration with Israel.  Who hasn’t struggled to deal with a family member or close friend who just does not listen and, therefore, does not understand.   Or when a loved one does  listen and understand yet chooses to disregard the words of others who love and care about them.

If it were not so sad it would almost be humorous when these who will not listen are heard to complain, at the same time, that no one listens to them.

The bottom line, for me, is that listening is as important a skill–if not more important–as talking.  One of the things I truly appreciate about the PREP system of communication training is the stress they place upon the skill of active listening.

It doesn’t take long to distinguish between the person who listens from the one who will not.  The evidence for which approach to life works best will be found in the consequences that follow.

Marriage

Building An Affair-Proof Marriage

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Willard Harley wrote a book entitled His Needs, Her Needs.  Although I have heard repeated references to the book since its first publishing in 1986, I have rarely heard the subtitle mentioned: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage.  Nonetheless, in the Introduction to his book he makes a helpful distinction between two types of marital conflict:

 His Needs Her Needs 

Marital conflict is created one of two ways: (1) Couples fail to make each other happy, or (2) couples make each other unhappy.  In the first case, couples are frustrated because their needs are not being met.  In the second case, they’re deliberately hurting each other.  I call the first cause of conflict failure to care and the second, failure to protect. (Harley, p. 15)

It is this insight that I have found particularly helpful because resolving conflict is among the most central challenges of the marriage and family therapist.  Learn how to deal with our differences in a healthy, respectful way and you can address most of the other issues that many relational conflicts center around such as money and finances, sex, religious differences, and in-laws.

Harley’s idea of a “Love Bank” is worth noting as a useful metaphor for loving ‘deposits’ when we focus upon pleasing each other and negative ‘withdrawals’ when we try to hurt each other or fail to please each other.  It is this last part…the failure to care…that provides the focus for his book.

Alternately, he addresses the woman’s need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment.  On the other hand, for the man Harley notes his need for sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, a spouse who cares for herself, domestic support and her admiration.

One of the things that I have found over the years is that the principle of caring for one another is an abiding value that stands behind loving relationships.  Working to please each other by listening for our partner’s needs and desires and strive to satisfy them and your relationship will improve, particularly when it is a two-way exchange.  Quid pro quo (i.e., this for that) is a simplistic definition for how this works best; but, it is, in truth, a critical element.  Too much quid in contrast to a partner’s lack of quo can devolve into an unhealthy imbalance as one partner takes advantages of the other.

Relationship books come and go, groomed to apply ancient, tested principles to new cultures with differing ideas about implementation and application.  In other words, the function of loving and caring for one another is as old as marriage and relationships.  It is the form of how one goes about doing this that shifts from one generation to another as each couple searches out the unique qualities of their partner and pairs them with their own unique perspectives, preferences and commitment to please the other.

So, if you wish to build an affair-proof marriage, go back to the basics.  Sometimes, this can seem tougher than it sounds because of past negative withdrawals from each other’s love bank.  Sometimes the withdrawals can exceed the balance and cause a dangerous pattern of overdrafts.  Marriage and family therapists can help couples make choices that will help them discontinue the damage being done and get back to the basics of relationships, helping them reach towards achieving their potential.

Family

Bankrupt!

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a6370c1c-e33f-4a44-a422-809bfa964584_155x114With the announcement of Detroit’s bankruptcy has come a host of other observations about this once, great city.  An example of this fascination with the effects of a metropolitan city in collapse is a series of pictures taken of several buildings that are in decay entitled Modern Ruins of Abandoned Detroit.

Symbolizing the dramatic decline of Motor City, many buildings and structures in the former manufacturing mecca of Detroit, Mich. lay in crumbling and weather-beaten ruins. In his bestselling book, “The World Without Us,” Alan Weisman (who has reported from abandoned cities such as Chernobyl, Ukraine and Varosha, Cyprus) wrote that structures crumble as weather does unrepaired damage and other life forms create new habitats. A common structure would begin to fall apart as water eventually leaks into the roof, erodes the wood and rusts the nail, he wrote. Without intervention, many of Detroit’s abandoned structures would eventually succumb to nature’s elements.

This simple observation of deterioration of buildings that are neglected over time is a principle that applies to many things, including relationships.  More specifically, in a marriage and family context, relationships require maintenance to avoid deterioration from the wear and tear of life’s events.

For example, preventive maintenance is very important for helping the building serve the purpose for which it was designed.  When filters are not changed, heating and cooling systems are ignored, machinery is not oiled, software updates are not downloaded, things eventually begin to require repair that could have been avoided or postponed by regular maintenance schedules.

Pressing the metaphor, sometimes it requires proactive initiatives to accommodate growth,  enhance the surroundings, anticipate security needs or adjust to changing demands.  Seeing change ahead, to ignore the warning signs may lead to overcrowding, outdated decor, or real damage to the structure.

Finally, there are those times when emergency repairs are necessary due to weather damage, a shifting foundation, vandalism and defacement of property.  At these times, the imperative is to make the repairs to avoid further damage or to keep up the value of the property.

Ignore the need for preventive maintenance, proactive opportunities and emergency repairs and the building becomes a shell of what it once was; an inhabitable structure that deteriorates and, eventually, collapses upon itself.

In terms of human relations the dynamic is much the same.  Prevention often comes in the form of cultivating relationships with positive exchanges that enhance and enrich, encouraging a feedback loop of positive behaviors and fond memories that give strength and resilience.

Over the life of a family that strength and resilience will be tested with adversity.  When those challenges are anticipated during the family life cycle steps can be taken to adjust the moral compass for children, creation of new habits and discontinuing problematic ones.  It’s the surprises that demand emergency attention from sudden tragedies brought on by bad choices, inappropriate behaviors, or damaging trauma that will forever alter the course of one’s life or one’s relationships that can break the bonds of trust and security.

All relationships worth preserving require preventive maintenance, proactive initiatives and emergency repairs.  Denial of the need to adapt and change while ignoring opportunities for growth can lead to devastating consequences and collapse.   Being alert to those needs and applying the correct measures in a timely way can lead to flourishing resilience in those times of opportunity and challenge.  

 

Counseling, Family, Marriage

Brief Marriage and Family Therapy

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Signature:2a0f6d0366f291694bd9cc422bff24b12e1d3afd88bc0ed09c9a8814df3c0837People are often surprised when I tell them I can usually schedule an appointment within a day or two.  Part of the reason this is possible is because of the nature of my practice of Brief Marriage and Family Therapy.  Another expression used to describe this approach is “solution-focused” therapy or strategic, goal-directed therapy.

Therapy begins by focusing upon defining the problem as it functions within the family system and examining what a solution to the problem would look like.  Beginning with the goal in mind, I will often make a proposal for how we might be able to get there during the first session.*  Stated simply, we know we have finished therapy when the goal is achieved, usually within less than ten sessions.

Marriage and Family Therapy is optimistic about marriages and families.  The reason we believe that marriage and family therapy should be brief is because a core belief is that families mostly get along fairly well most of the time, even though all families struggle with problems.  From the budgeting of time, moneycoupleestranged and other resources to making simple choices such as what to have for breakfast and prioritizing to-do lists, the very fabric of marriage and family life is woven with choices and decisions.

But, every once-in-a-while, families get stuck, marriages go into crisis and relationships become difficult and even unmanageable.  The role of the marriage and family therapist is not necessarily to re-write the family script by keeping them locked into a therapeutic contract for extended periods of time.  The key is to focus on the present challenge, find out how it functions in the marriage and family and help everyone involved devise a strategy for change that can help the family move on.

Because we are solution-focused we don’t normally spend a great of time working through childhood issues, trying to determine who is right or wrong, good or bad, or at fault.  Nor do we typically spend a great deal of time reviewing family histories.

As fascinating and informative as these approaches to marriage and family therapy can be, this is not to say that these things are not important.  Furthermore, there are times when it is important to give more attention to these aspects of family life because of the bearing they  have upon the present circumstances of the family.  This is especially true when couples and their children are intensely involved in conflict and challenge within their families of origin and their relationships with other relatives.

Stated very simply, individuals, couples and families come to Marriage and Family Therapists because they want to relate to each other better; but, something is in the way of helping them achieve their goal.  Often they feel stuck or stagnant.  At other times someone is caught up in a behavior or perception that is having a negative impact on others, threatening the stability of the relationships involved.

My goal as a brief, solution-focused, strategic Marriage and Family Therapist is to help them solve the problem and to get on with life.

So, to answer the original question, the reason I can schedule clients with fairly short notice has something to do with the fact that my practice is all about helping families solve their problems and then getting out of the way.

Logo for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
AAMFT

For more information why not set up a first appointment and we can discuss how this approach may help you address some areas in which you wish to move forward but…..  The first appointment is always free.

Stephen has been a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy since 1991 and he is Licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist  in the State of Michigan.

Marriage

Healthy Co-Dependence

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CoupleStaringMuch has been written about unhealthy co-dependence which I would define as an unbalanced reliance upon another person for one’s own sense of value and worth.  Perhaps it is based upon a compassionate desire to rescue someone to help them get better or a deep desire or perceived need to be needed by someone else.

Whatever the reasoning, the codependent person seems to be drawn to people who are skilled at taking advantage of these characteristics.  Stated simply, giving people are at risk to losing themselves to the manipulations of takers.  In the extreme, the relationship can become demeaning and abusive.

Perhaps it is in reaction to this relational imbalance that some have asserted  marriage to be a 50/50 relationship where each partner reserves half of themselves for their own needs while laying down the other 50 percent for their partner.  With this proportion a valid point is that we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for another person.  The emphasis is upon not losing one’s self in the exchange.

I would suggest that the idea of a 100/100 equation communicates much the same with a significant shift in emphasis.  This is where each partner is busy finding ways to meet the needs and desires of the other over their own personal needs and desires.  When this is a mutual arrangement the relational potential is significantly enhanced.

Know One’s Self

To begin with, a person needs to know who they are and what they, personally, need.   If a person is too focused upon the needs of others too early, they may never really discover their own unique personal needs and desires.  Marriages that are preceded by an extended period of single-ness can be enhanced by one’s ability to know one’s self: i.e.,  their own preferences, goals in life, desires, dislikes and aversions.  Knowing what they bring to a relationship, they have a  good idea of what they need as well as the qualities and characteristics of another that would compliment their own.

Often, people who marry early in life and start having children immediately are so focused upon the needs and desires of their spouse and family that they may put their own personal development on hold.  Neglecting the development of their own sense of personal identity they face new challenges as they approach the empty nest when the kids are grown and moving on.  This can lead to a personal crisis or the need for a mid-life correction as a person finally confronts the fact that they have sacrificed their own needs for those of their families.  As self-discovery begins at this later stage in the family life cycle it sometimes becomes necessary to renegotiate relational expectations and behavior patterns; hence, the so-called mid-life crisis.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

The other part of the 100/100 equation is communicating personal preferences and expectations to the spouse who, also wanting to give fully, desires to know what his or her partner desires.  Without this critical element one’s expectations are not met because they are not verbalized.  Sometimes, the choice to do this is intended to keep from ‘burdening’ their partner. The reality is that they are asking their partner to use the trial-and-error method of inductive and deductive reasoning to approximate success.  The preferred method, of course, would be to verbalize our wishes and desires in order to inform our partners so that they can meet those needs because they wish to do so.

A frequent objection to communicating our needs and desires to our partners is based upon fear.  The concern is that when we tell our spouse what we want, that might be the reason they do it rather than because they want to do it altruistically.  This situation can create a classic double bind.  The logic can go something like this:

What I want should be such common knowledge that I should not have to verbalize or explain it to you.  You should love me enough to be able to read my mind and know it intuitively.  If you do not have this sensitivity to my needs then I must do without what I want and endure your mistakes.  Alternatively, I can find other ways to meet my needs without you.  But, I must never have to communicate what I want because, then, I can never know if you are doing it because you really want to do it or because I have asked you to do it.

In the end this is a false dichotomy because a spouse who is committed to the 100/100 equation wants to do for his or spouse precisely because they have asked for it!  At first, yes, it is awkward and seems artificial.  Nonetheless, with persistent communication that allows the spouse to know what to do, intuition becomes more consistent, paving the way for more accurate approximations as he or she anticipates the other’s needs and desires and begins to meet them.

A knowledge of one’s self and an ability to communicate it to a loved one is so important to the knitting together of lives into a loving relationships.  When partners can know what is desired and needed from the other they each become empowered to meet those individual preferences and become more dedicated to anticipating and satisfying them.  Potentially, it is an escalating positive feedback loop that can cement two people together in a mutually satisfying relationship that will thrive with the  inevitable challenges, setbacks and opportunities that will arise during the family life cycle.

This is what I would call a “healthy co-dependence.”

Parenting

Reflections From Father’s Day

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Arnold and Wanda waiting on the bus in front of the train terminal in Helsinki.

Father’s Day is a relatively new event, signed into law by Richard Nixon in 1972.  While there are no ‘official’ job descriptions for fathers, there is a general consensus about what they are supposed to do.  Much of this is anchored in Scripture and goes back to the ultimate, perfect Father who set the bar for the rest of us.

I have been contemplating this concept since celebrating my own father’s holiday last Sunday and pulled together some reflections based upon my observations of his life with my mom.

Family First – When I think of dad I think of mom, too.  I never really saw them take much “me time” with the girls or with the guys.  They were all about ‘us time’.  On our little farm in Plymouth, Michigan there were always chores to do, animals to care for and projects to complete.  Cleaning brick for the patio, tearing down an old house, cleaning out the stalls of the horses, sweating copper pipe joints for the baseboard heating, working in the garden….most all of these tasks had one thing in common: we did them, usually, together. 

Integrity – Even if there was a cost involved, doing the right thing was always the right thing to do.  Sure, there were agonizing moments but, in the end, the clarity of conviction and principle won the day, trumping short cuts and easy answers.  I can remember dad having to file extensions every year for his taxes with receipts all over the dining room table because he would not take a deduction unless he could verify it with a receipt.  It used to drive all of us crazy!

Industrious – Need something done? Sure, we can try.  Where are the manuals.  So many things I learned about cars and home maintenance and construction came from working alongside my father as we learned, together, how to lay brick, how to build a sauna, how to sweat pipe, and so much more.  The spirit of “I can do it” helped me venture into packing the bearings on my bike’s wheels, design a diving bell for exploring the local pond (it didn’t work, by the way!) and, now, to rebuild an old car from the ground up, build a garage and take on projects for the first time.

Gallimore School Sign
Dad Was The Principal Here In The 1960’s.

Creative – Out of the box thinking, willing to go against convention and try new things, innovate, change, forge ahead.  Taking advantage of a neglected forrest area behind Gallimore School he pushed forward and transformed it into a nature trail with an amphitheater, walking trail and nature experiments.  Just getting the Road Runner as mascot for the school required contacting Warner Brother’s for copyright permission.  As a kid I can remember the excitement I felt when dad received the letter granting permission, coming from Warner Brother’s studios itself!

Faithful – On the farm there will be accidents, bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes and blood spilled.  This is not a place for the squeemish, the faint or the timid.  On the farm, you see it all, smell it all, and experience life, front and center.  Truly, the farm is a great place to raise a family to prepare them for the world.  Great place to learn that if you don’t feed the animals, the animals don’t get fed.  If you don’t clean out the stalls, the animals have to…well, you get the picture.  So much of the farm’s functioning depends upon it’s owners being regular, predictable…faithful.  Never had a question about whether or not he was devoted to be faithful to his marriage or his family because he was there all of the time when not at work, helping us do what had to be done.

Spiritual – The underpinnings of my faith have undergone significant transformation over the years but it began by watching my dad faithfully, dutifully, make sure that our family attended church every Sunday.  Even when we were on the road on vacation, our priority was to find a church on Sundays and Wednesdays where we could meet with the saints.  Serving each other communion in the woods while hunting in northern Michigan or dressing for Sunday service in the pop-up camper before going to church…these memories

ArniesArmy
Arnie’s Army – 1976 AIC Champions

are embedded in my consciousness.  But it was more than that.  My dad’s fastidiousness with church attendance was matched by his spiritual journey that I have watched over the years.  Immersed in legalism in our early family life, we, as a family, have all grown together–at varying rates of progression–in our appreciation for God’s grace.  Much of this was initiated when my father and mother made the decision to uproot our family from Michigan as the drugs began to flood the schools and move us to Harding University in Searcy, Arkansas where he would earn a reputation as a spiritual swimming coach for  Arnie’s Army.

Conclusion

While much more can be said about fathers and the legacy they leave behind, my personal reflections serve to remind me of the things I hope to pass along to my family in the years to come.  Some of our fathers never had the opportunity to learn from great examples and they had to make it up as they went along.  Some fathers fail miserably,  passing along their dysfunctions to generations;  trouble that only the brave and resolute will correct.  My hat is off to those who have chosen to be good fathers in spite of their experiences.

For most, however, we look up to fathers who did their best.  In most cases, this quality rings true through all of the incredible variety of challenges and experiences we will face over the years, testing our resolve, our commitment, our principles and our values to our very core.  Need a good role model in those desperate times?  Look to God and seek out someone who knows Him well and you will be well on your way to being the father that your children will cherish.

Theophilos

Climbing the Mount

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JERUSALEM_Mount_of_Olives_Cemetery
Mount of Olives Cemetary

The Mount of Olives has always been a special place in the area around Jerusalem.  It is mentioned only twice in the Old Testament; once in an enigmatic passage in Zechariah 14:4 that is beyond the scope of my article.

But the other time hit me right between the eyes.  Indeed, the only other time the Mount of Olives appears in the Old Testament is in 2 Samuel 15:30:

But David continued up the Mount of Olives, weeping as he went; his head was covered and he was barefoot.

After a series of bad choices on David’s part the king was overwhelmed by a sense of resignation and defeat.  He had became detached and distant from his family at a great cost.  The end result at the time of this passage is when his beloved son, Absalom, usurped his father’s kingdom and declared himself king.

Rather than resist his son, David finds himself moving out of Jerusalem in exile, taking along his clan of followers with him, weeping all along the way.  It is in that setting that we find David…head covered…barefoot…walking up to the Mount of Olives…weeping.

The king David, weeps over the sin of his beloved child and walks to the mount, broken-hearted.

Fast forward about 1,000 years and we return to the frequent meeting place of our Lord, the Mount of Olives, mentioned more than ten times in the gospels.  We’ll focus primarily upon Matthew’s account.

In Matthew 21:1, Jesus sends His disciples from the Mount of Olives into Jerusalem to prepare the way for his entry into the city on a donkey, proclaimed by the crowds to be “The Son of David.”

Praise God! Hosanna! The King Has Come!

In Matthew 24:3 Jesus is on the Mount of Olives instructing His disciples about the events that are to come.  These observations include the destruction of the city of Jerusalem by the Roman armies of Titus in 70 AD and His second coming that will happen on a day that only the Father knows.

Judgment Day.  The King will come again.

Finally, we find Jesus at the Mount of Olives (Matthew 26:30ff) immediately following His final supper with his disciples before His betrayal and crucifixion.  Three times he appeals to His Father to take the cup of suffering away that He is about to drink.  Falling, face-down into the dust, the Son takes on the mantle of our sin as His Father assures Him that this is His will; this is the only way.

On the Mount of Olives The King weeps over the weight of our sin before His Father who will leave Him to face death alone in His darkest hour (Matthew 27:45-46)…much like David who, when he is informed of the death of his son, Absalom, cries out:

“O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33).

Perhaps it is not too remarkable that within sight of the crest of the Mount of Olives is the city of Jerusalem.  When Abraham walked the earth it is believed to be the place where he would guide His son in obedience to a God who dared to ask him to sacrifice his son of promise, Isaac (Genesis 22).

There is something special about the Mount of Olives….

Panorama of Jerusalem