Some family problems emerge suddenly, unexpectedly and unpredictably.  At other times problems can evolve into a chain of symptoms that are forged over time.  When change comes unexpectedly, people usually adapt quickly.  When change occurs gradually over time so, also, the solutions can transform over time, morphing into rigid patterns of behavior.  Trying to cope and adapt can lead to terrible simplifications.

An illustration of the former change is when a tree falls and crushes the front of a family’s house, ripping off the roof and breaking down the wall.  When things like this happen, the reaction is generally swift, efficient and strategic to get the job done and make the home livable.  This is dramatic but the solution is predictable.

For problems that are forged over time the scenario is easily illustrated by the elephant in the living room.  At first it is small, able to move easily in and out of the house through any of the doors.  But, the growth of the elephant over time begins altering behaviors based upon one simple change: the elephant can no longer move in and out of the house; it is too big.

The nature of the changes required now, themselves,  begin to evolve as the elephant grows.  It must now be fed in the house, its waste products need to be removed from the house and it needs its exercise.  As a result, normal routines begin to change from the routes people take throughout the house, how they choose to move in and out of the house, and whether or not they spend time in the house.  The situation becomes unbearable.

The solution to the problem is very similar to the former; the house will have to be dismantled to make room to let the elephant out then reconstructed.  But the behaviors that have adapted to the situation over time are now part of the daily routine.  One family member still crawls out of the window instead of  using the door.  Another has not been out of the basement since the oversized guest arrived.  Most everyone just pretends it isn’t there.out and through the house to adjusting to the smells, behaviors and sounds of a grown elephant in the house.

One way of mishandling a problem is to behave as if it did not exist. For this form of denial, we have borrowed the term terrible simplification.  Two consequences follow from it: a) acknowledgment, let alone any attempted solution, of the problem is seen as a manifestation of madness or badness; and b) the problem requiring change becomes greatly compounded by the “problems” created through its mishandling.*

If this analysis sounds unbelievable just turn on the news and be amazed at the political discourse in Washington.  But, more to the point, the reason we deal with these challenges in families is because it is part of our human nature as people.

Sometimes the best way to define the problem in a family is to observe the nature of the symptoms that individuals develop around the problem to adapt and cope.  When a condition or event requires adaptation and change the healthy adaptations go largely unnoticed.  It is the dysfunctional adaptations that often receive the most attention.  Often it is the symptoms themselves that best help us clarify the problem and the steps necessary to help the family get back on track.

 

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* Watzlawick, Paul, Weakland, John and Fisch, Richard. Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution.  W. W. Norton & Company, New York, NY, 1974.