Much has been written about unhealthy co-dependence which I would define as an unbalanced reliance upon another person for one’s own sense of value and worth.  Perhaps it is based upon a compassionate desire to rescue someone to help them get better or a deep desire or perceived need to be needed by someone else.

Whatever the reasoning, the codependent person seems to be drawn to people who are skilled at taking advantage of these characteristics.  Stated simply, giving people are at risk to losing themselves to the manipulations of takers.  In the extreme, the relationship can become demeaning and abusive.

Perhaps it is in reaction to this relational imbalance that some have asserted  marriage to be a 50/50 relationship where each partner reserves half of themselves for their own needs while laying down the other 50 percent for their partner.  With this proportion a valid point is that we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for another person.  The emphasis is upon not losing one’s self in the exchange.

I would suggest that the idea of a 100/100 equation communicates much the same with a significant shift in emphasis.  This is where each partner is busy finding ways to meet the needs and desires of the other over their own personal needs and desires.  When this is a mutual arrangement the relational potential is significantly enhanced.

Know One’s Self

To begin with, a person needs to know who they are and what they, personally, need.   If a person is too focused upon the needs of others too early, they may never really discover their own unique personal needs and desires.  Marriages that are preceded by an extended period of single-ness can be enhanced by one’s ability to know one’s self: i.e.,  their own preferences, goals in life, desires, dislikes and aversions.  Knowing what they bring to a relationship, they have a  good idea of what they need as well as the qualities and characteristics of another that would compliment their own.

Often, people who marry early in life and start having children immediately are so focused upon the needs and desires of their spouse and family that they may put their own personal development on hold.  Neglecting the development of their own sense of personal identity they face new challenges as they approach the empty nest when the kids are grown and moving on.  This can lead to a personal crisis or the need for a mid-life correction as a person finally confronts the fact that they have sacrificed their own needs for those of their families.  As self-discovery begins at this later stage in the family life cycle it sometimes becomes necessary to renegotiate relational expectations and behavior patterns; hence, the so-called mid-life crisis.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

The other part of the 100/100 equation is communicating personal preferences and expectations to the spouse who, also wanting to give fully, desires to know what his or her partner desires.  Without this critical element one’s expectations are not met because they are not verbalized.  Sometimes, the choice to do this is intended to keep from ‘burdening’ their partner. The reality is that they are asking their partner to use the trial-and-error method of inductive and deductive reasoning to approximate success.  The preferred method, of course, would be to verbalize our wishes and desires in order to inform our partners so that they can meet those needs because they wish to do so.

A frequent objection to communicating our needs and desires to our partners is based upon fear.  The concern is that when we tell our spouse what we want, that might be the reason they do it rather than because they want to do it altruistically.  This situation can create a classic double bind.  The logic can go something like this:

What I want should be such common knowledge that I should not have to verbalize or explain it to you.  You should love me enough to be able to read my mind and know it intuitively.  If you do not have this sensitivity to my needs then I must do without what I want and endure your mistakes.  Alternatively, I can find other ways to meet my needs without you.  But, I must never have to communicate what I want because, then, I can never know if you are doing it because you really want to do it or because I have asked you to do it.

In the end this is a false dichotomy because a spouse who is committed to the 100/100 equation wants to do for his or spouse precisely because they have asked for it!  At first, yes, it is awkward and seems artificial.  Nonetheless, with persistent communication that allows the spouse to know what to do, intuition becomes more consistent, paving the way for more accurate approximations as he or she anticipates the other’s needs and desires and begins to meet them.

A knowledge of one’s self and an ability to communicate it to a loved one is so important to the knitting together of lives into a loving relationships.  When partners can know what is desired and needed from the other they each become empowered to meet those individual preferences and become more dedicated to anticipating and satisfying them.  Potentially, it is an escalating positive feedback loop that can cement two people together in a mutually satisfying relationship that will thrive with the  inevitable challenges, setbacks and opportunities that will arise during the family life cycle.

This is what I would call a “healthy co-dependence.”

Driving through Detroit over a recent weekend I was impressed by how much we all depend upon everyone else obeying the rules and expectations of traffic.  For example, anyone who has been through driver’s training knows that the rules of the road are to obey the speed limits, use your turn signal when changing lanes, keep proper distance between your car and the one in front of you, slow down in construction zones, etc.

When people obey the rules it is often appreciated by other rule-abiders who are grateful for simple things like predictability, a shared commitment to minimizing dangerous situations, thoughtfulness and consideration on the road.  When accidents occur among rule-abiders, it is easy to believe the best and assume the fault was due to a critical malfunction of the car, an unanticipated road hazard or some health issue such as a heart attack, sudden kidney stone or some other natural, unpredictable event.

Others who appreciate those who obey the rules are those who do not have regard for the rules.  While they share some of the same values such as an aversion to pain from serious accidents, they are also grateful for people who keep a safe distance from the car in front of them so they can weave back and forth through traffic.  Also venerated are law abiding people who choose to obey the speed limit and stay in the right lanes except to pass.  This honorable practice gives freedom to the anarchic motorist allowing wide-open left lanes for traveling at excessive speeds, knowing that if a law abiding person wishes to change lanes he or she will use the turn signal giving the speeder time to quickly accelerate to race by before the car’s lane change begins.

This tongue-in-cheek analysis of traffic behavior provides an intriguing metaphor for relationships as well.  This is one reason why working with newly-weds is so important.

That first year is spent learning what rules each partner brings into the marriage from their respective families.  Sometimes couples decide to jettison some or all of the rules of their families and venture forth on their own to set new standards, traditions and expectations.  In other areas the couple may take time to pick and choose which rules they wish to adopt from their respective families.

There are great benefits to making these understandings explicit because they create the boundaries within which the family’s identity is shaped.  They form the nucleus of the family’s unique norms for behavior and consideration.  Furthermore, when one or the other partner steps out of those agreed-upon controls the other partner is justified in reminding them of the infraction.  Then they can decide  whether it is time to apologize and forgive, re-define or re-negotiate the rules or create altogether new understandings.

When couples choose not to make the governing family guidelines for behavior explicit at the outset the rules often become governed by randomness or moods that can change arbitrarily over time.  Add abuse to the equation–in any form–and families can experience a heady mixture of extreme behaviors, irrational expectations and glaring oversights where rules change and morph at whiplash rates of speed.

Returning to the highway metaphor, the chaos of driving at high rates of speed on roads without rules would make  driving a terrifying experience, even for the highway anarchist.  Without rules predictability and safety evaporate at the whim of each driver.  Now, imagine living in a family system governed in such a way…..

Marriage and family therapists help families clarify family rules and expectations to help people choose to thrive in an atmosphere of predictability, security and stability.

There are times when mind reading can be a very helpful communication tool.  People who have been happily married for a while are often very skilled in reading each other’s minds because they have grown accustomed to each other’s patterns of thinking.  Often these thinking patterns are associated with predictable patterns of behavior, readily observed.  Regular, predictable patterns of behavior over a long period of time contribute to building bonds of trust that allow couples to believe the best in each other and, by extension, to read each other’s minds in a mutually beneficial way.

Note the word ‘happily‘ married.

When marital relationships are under pressure and the couple is ‘unhappily’ married, mind reading can be a deadly communication tool. Concerned that their partner may be attempting to assert power and control, one or both partners begin making negative interpretations of each other’s behavior; essentially, believing the worst in the other.  When this becomes part of the mix between people, resolving conflict and working through simple disagreements can become noxious and relationally dangerous.

It is at times like this that a cognitive resetting of the assumptions we make can be helpful.  Aaron Beck in his book Love is Never Enough outlines 5 Principles of the Cognitive Approach that are good to keep in mind when we become overly sensitive to what we think each other is trying to say instead of taking the time to truly understand.

1. We can never really know the state of mind–the attitudes, thoughts, and feelings–of other people.
2. We depend on signals, which are frequently ambiguous, to inform us about the attitudes and wishes of other people.
3. We use our own coding system, which may be defective, to decipher these signals.
4. Depending on our own state of mind at a particular time, we may be biased in our method of interpreting other people’s behavior, that is, how we decide.
5. The degree to which we believe that we are correct in divining another persons motives and attitudes is not related to the actual accuracy of our belief.*

In our daily interactions we naturally assume that the other person understands  what we are trying to say.  For the most part this is fairly accurate when exchanging information or casually making observations.  We often truncate our communications to save time and energy or to keep from overwhelming each other with unnecessary details.  We talk in sound bites and generalities, leaving much unsaid, requiring each other to read between the lines or catch the nuances and implications. .

When communication becomes strained and difficult it is important for someone to become intentional with their listening skills, paraphrasing what the other is saying, attempting to reflect the thoughts that lie behind the words.  This can be a challenge because it takes time, energy and a detachment from one’s own assumptions, expending the effort and allowing time to understand the assumptions of the other person.

Deciding that I don’t know what you mean until you believe that I understand what you are trying to say is the beginning of deep, abiding and meaningful conversation.  The enemy is the time it takes to understand; the currency is the time we take to communicate that we care enough to listen.

 *Beck, Aaron T. Love is Never Enough. 1988, p. 13.

In their pre-marital book entitled Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (2006), Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott suggest seven key predictors for creating a lasting relationship in a happy marriage.

1. Healthy expectations of marriage.
2. A realistic concept of love.
3. A positive attitude and outlook toward life
4. The ability to communicate their feelings.
5. An understanding and acceptance of their gender differences.
6. The ability to make decisions and settle arguments.
7. A common spiritual foundation and goal.

These seven characteristics form the outline for the respective chapters of the book.  These qualities are also frequently visited in marital therapy and are worth consideration as a quick check-up on how you are doing in your marriage.

Healthy Expectations

It is not so much the expectations that get us into trouble.  Rather, it is the failure to communicate those expectations to each other that often leaves the other person guessing, hoping to get it right.  This is a real problem when one person repeatedly, innocently violates the other’s expectations without knowing it.

Realistic Love

Many times people form new marital bonds with concepts of love shaped by what they don’t want it to be.  Children who have grown up in unhappy and unhealthy homes will often define love by the opposite of their experiences.  True love is more than the absence of dysfunctional, toxic love.

Optimism

Faith, hope and love are fundamentally based upon the belief that there is something to enjoy in the present and to anticipate in the future.  An optimistic view in each other that chooses to believe and hope for the best will contribute towards dispelling negative expectations.  By the way, a sure predictor of marital failure is when a couple continually chooses to believe the worst about each other.

Communication

In our world of sound bites and text messages, sitting down with the express intention of listening to each other for the simple joy of understanding seems to be a rarity.  Communication of feelings has to be intentional and focused, requiring energy and patience.

Appreciating Our Differences

It is one thing to know that we are different and to acknowledge it to each other.  It can be something quite different when we begin to appreciate those differences and allow them to compliment our relationship as we learn to dovetail our energies together.  Trusting each other enough to allow one’s strengths compensate for the other’s blind sides is a huge accomplishment that goes a long way towards a happy marriage.

Conflict

Many parents settle their differences privately in order to protect their children.  When conflict is destructive and wounding, this can be a good thing.  The best scenario, it seems to me, is for parents to learn healthy ways of resolving conflict and demonstrating those skills before their kids.  Being too careful to protect our kids from witnessing disagreements may leave them thinking that conflict is always bad, without the necessary tools for learning to resolve differences and formulating win-win solutions to problems.

Spiritual Unity

When we agree that spiritual values are important then, to the extent that they are shared values, marriages can thrive.  If not on the same page spiritually, at least a proper respect for each other’s faith will reinforce appreciation of those elements that are similar as well as a humility towards those areas that are different.

So, how did you do?  These areas…and so much more…are the realm in which Marriage and Family Therapists practice daily.  If you need assistance in helping your relationship grow in satisfaction and longevity we offer free first-time consultations to see if Marriage and Family Therapy is right for you.

Christmas morning, as Pamela and I waited for the girls to come down the stairs for breakfast, we realized that this was our 33rd Merry Christmas spent together.  I guess that would make sense since we have been married 33 years!  Some personal reflections….

This is a time of rich traditions that Pamela brings from her family and I, also, from mine combined with those we have initiated ourselves over the years.  For example, the CD in the stereo this morning has been played every year since our first trip to Europe as newly-weds.  We loved the German Christmas Markets beginning with Nurenberg and listening to this CD reminds us of a time shared…just the two of us.

Now that our girls are both in college we are beginning to contemplate returning to those early days as the nest begins to empty…another normal stage in the Family Life Cycle.  After more than 30 years in ministry I have returned to my first-love as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice and I have continued to travel to Tampere, Finland several times each year since mom and dad’s last trip in 2008.

I suppose one of the greatest things we have learned over these years has been to entrust our lives to our God.  From the beginning, I have proactively moved my family from one job in ministry to the next, looking for that perfect time and place to participate in a church that finally fit my template for how things are supposed to be.  In 2009 a cataclysm of events finally persuaded me that I needed to give it up, realign my focus and learn to rest in God’s leading.

So, we enjoyed our 33rd Christmas with each other waiting for our girls to come down the stairs Christmas morning, appreciating the simple things, grateful for our blessings and resting in the Lord’s leading, knowing that He is faithful.

Merry Christmas to all and God’s blessings to you!

<>< steve

The value of commitment at the most fundamental level of marriage to a society cannot be overstated, even though it may be sometimes underrated.  When a man and woman come together and pledge “‘Till death do us part” they make this vow before God, anchoring their relationship in their Creator who instituted the sacred bond at the beginning of man’s history.  The pledge is also made before witnesses, proclaiming their fidelity to each other and their determination to stick together through thick and thin.  With that commitment, a promise is made to the children that will enter their home through birth or adoption, assuring them that they will have as predictable, stable and loving environment in which to grow and mature.

The ripple effects of this kind of commitment throughout society…as each family is launched…provides the basis for the values that govern a culture from the neighborhoods in which they live to the nation.  It is these individual commitments gathered together with thousands of others that keep civilizations thriving.

May God richly bless those who have made the commitment of marriage to each other and may they use those blessings to better the world in which they live.