Dishonor and Disrespect

In his book,  Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy, Gary Smalley lists a collection of  ways to show dishonor and disrespect to our spouses and families (Smalley, pp. 155-156).

1. Ignoring or degrading another’s opinions, advice or beliefs.

2. Becoming immersed in TV, texting or emails when another person is trying to communicate.

3. Joking about someone else’s weak areas or shortcomings.

4. Verbally attacking another person through harsh criticism or judging their opinions.

5. Treating in-laws or other relatives with disrespect or acting as though they are not important.

6. Ignoring kind deeds done or not expressing appreciation for favors or special consideration.

7. Practicing distasteful habits in front of people who have expressed their dislike for the practice.

8. Engaging in extra-familial activities that seem to be of greater importance than home involvement.

9. Overpowering influence that treats others like children or objects of domination.

10. Unwillingness to accept responsibility for mistakes or to admit to fault when wrong.

Most of us do one or more of these behaviors irregularly to the annoyance of others, often drawing a reprimand or a glance of astonishment.  However, a regular, persistent practice of any one of these points of distinction can be troublesome.

These characteristics can be so destructive to mutually satisfying, respectful and lasting relationships, crushing the spirit of the person caught in the vortex of persistent disregard and devaluation.  When one partner practices these negative behaviors with regularity they run the risk of breaking the will of those dependent upon them for their self-esteem or, conversely, creating a  spirit of reaction or even rebellion.

Honor and Respect

It would be a worthwhile endeavor to arrest these behaviors and begin practicing their opposite.  Smalley correctly observes that, in fact, the key to transforming these ten characteristics is elegant in its simplicity  The transformation begins by simply showing honor and respect to another person.  It is the linch-pin of turning the ship around and heading the relationship in a healthy, positive direction that is mutually satisfying.

Once implemented, the above characteristics begin to take on a new dimension:

1. We listen to, ask questions about and honor other people’s opinions and perceptions.

2. We turn off the TV, the phone or walk away from the computer when someone else is talking to us.

3. We look for the positive characteristics and behaviors in others and mention them.

4. We hold the criticism and learn how to filter our words so that another’s opinions are included in the conversation.

5. We go out of our way to serve our in-laws and other relatives–clarifying boundaries, when needed–to let them know that they are loved and appreciated.

6. We note kind deeds done for us, express appreciation and gratitude for their thoughtfulness and return the favor in thoughtful ways.

7. We respect other people’s reasonable requests to alter our behavior and refrain from offending them.

8. We look for time to spend with each other and include each other in our activities.  We create opportunities to do things together.

9. We treat each other as peers, looking for ways to encourage and commend.

10. We look at ourselves before blaming others, accepting responsibility for our mistakes.

The idea of honoring others is a basic truth in Scripture, embodied in  the Golden Rule as Jesus quoted Moses when He said “love your neighbor as yourself” (cf., Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 22:39); and the apostle Paul encouraged the Philippians to “in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Paul states in Romans 12:9-18,

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

 What a great ethic by which to live!  I wonder how much better our world would be if these principles were more a part of the fabric of our relationships.

 

*Smalley, Gary. Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy (2000).

For further reading, consider the following:

Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs (2004).