Unmet expectations can lead to disappointment and anger because things don’t always unfold as we had hoped for or anticipated.  Counseling can help realign expectations to reflect a more realistic appraisal of realities.  Of the many approaches to make the needed mental shift is tethered to rational analysis.

There are several ways to arrive at an understanding of the distinction between rational and irrational thinking. At one level is the locus of control.  Things happen that are within my realm of influence and control and, conversely, other factors are outside of my influence and control.   However, no matter the level of personal control something happens between the event or action and my emotional reaction to that event or action.

Based upon the writings of Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (RET) our anger is often tied to an event so that something happens and, consequently, I experience and emotional reaction to that event. In between the event itself and my reaction to that event is the region of my beliefs that have interpreted the event and led to my emotional reaction. It naturally follows, therefore, that if I can alter my beliefs that effect how I interpret an event, I can also alter my emotional reaction.

Basically there is the event ‘A’ that we often tie to our reaction ‘C’.  Often the process happens so quickly that we don’t realize the series of thoughts and beliefs (‘B’) that lead us from the event ‘A’ to our reaction ‘C’.  Consequently, we conclude that what a certain person did (A) caused my reaction (C) without reviewing whether my beliefs (B) are rational or not.

Consequently, we attribute our emotion (C) to an event or action of another person (A) without considering the mental steps that we walk through (B) to lead us to our emotional response.  An important step is consider the intervening beliefs and perceptions that we have (B) by breaking them down and logically analyzing them.  This is when those irrational beliefs mentioned in the previous article become very important.  Stated again:

• IRRATIONAL IDEA NO. 1: “I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I will rate as a rotton person” (p. 39).  This philosophy goes a long way to perfecting the art of perfectionism!
• IRRATIONAL IDEA NO. 2: “Others must treat me considerately and kindly and in precisely the way I want them to treat me.  If they don’t, society and the universe should severely blame, damn and punish them for their inconsideration” (p. 41).
• IRRATIONAL IDEA NO. 3: “The world (and the people in it) must arrange conditions under which I live so that I get everything that I want when I want it.  And further, conditions must exist so that I don’t get what I don’t want. Moreover, I usually must get what I want quickly and easily” (p. 42).

A rational approach to these irrational perceptions would be, respectively, 1) to evaluate the standards to which I hold myself to make sure they are realistic and reasonable, 2) to consider whether it is reasonable for others to account for how they treat me and whether my approval of their actions is necessary and 3) to assess the nature of the world around us in order to conclude whether whether or not it revolves around my happiness and good fortune.  Each of these ideas is closely tied to my view of myself and my place among other groups of people and in the world, globally.

This is when I truly appreciate great books such as Steven R. Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.   How we view ourselves and the world around us are critical links to help us determine how we will choose to react in certain circumstances.  Our religious beliefs shape our views as well.

So, an important part of helping us overcome our irrational actions to events is to come to grips with our irrational beliefs and replace them with rational, reasoned beliefs that are based in reality.  One of the tasks of Marriage and Family Therapy may be to help a person, a couple or a family system engage in this process of reality testing and shifting our perceptions of how things ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be and to temper them with how things really exist individually and interpersonally.