A family’s ability to successfully transition through the cycles of family life is closely tied to their ability to communicate and to resolve conflict.  In few other settings are these skills more important than in step-families.  At the start is the distinction between whether the previous nuclear family or families were affected by divorce or death.

There are several reasons communication and conflict resolution skills are critically important to step-families.  Here are some of them.

Anger

Children’s anger can be directed at the parents or each other as they wrestle with the adjustment to new rules and routines.  Parents must work out custody arrangements and child support issues with their ex-spouses with whom they are still at odds.  The intensity of emotions involved with working out arrangements with previous family constellations and, at the same time, adapting to the realities of their present environment can test any family member’s coping skills.  Anger is a familiar point of concern.

Love

Hopes that all will be loved and feel loved equally quickly confront the realities of divided allegiances, hurt feelings and differing expectations about what a loving family will look like.  Keeping our assumptions about loving and caring for each other realistic can be a real struggle when two families blend together.

Guilt

Whether it is residual guilt feelings over the past dissolution of their previous family or the fact that present siblings are being brought into a new and different family system that they resent, parental guilt can plague a family’s adjustment.

Grief

When a family breaks up due to death or divorce there is a necessary grieving that must be processed.  If step-families are brought together before this process is completed–often taking months, if not years–then mourning their loss may cloud all attempts to join the new family system.

Fears

With change comes uncertainty.   The more idealistic the original expectations for the new family constellation, the more severe the fear of the unknown can become when new and different dynamics emerge that the family was not prepared to address in a healthy way.

In stepfamilies, preventive coaching in communication and conflict-resolution skills can be helpful for helping family members weather the swell of adjustments and emotions involved.  Forming an alliance with a therapist can also be especially helpful with those particularly difficult points of transition that seem to defy resolution.

More information about Stepfamilies can be found on the website of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.